For what it’s worth:
Headline: it’s not terrible, but this type of headline would work better in an advertorial than it does for this sales letter. Most business owners aren’t going care that you lose sleep, especially since you aren’t working for them right now.
Also, I’m not sure the make more money angle is the correct choice. They get people telling them they can help them make more money every single day, yet they still aren’t making any more money. Take the same meaning, but spin it differently. You’re going to help them get more leads, better leads, get more customers something like that.
1st paragraph: Are you sending this out to targeted businesses or to everyone? What if they don’t have a website?
You may have just wasted half of your mailing spend right there. If it’s targeted the opening question can work, but if you’re sending it out to places that may or may not have a website you’re running the risk of losing people with your first line.
Why do you have a website? – I don’t have a website so in the garbage it goes.
Also, I’m with guerilla in this paragraph. Too many questions back to back.
2nd paragraph. If you lose some of the questions in the opening paragraph, this one can work as is. Grammar check: Your “Its” should be “It’s”, you’re talking about it is, not its as a possessive.
3rd paragraph – For the most part this is good. You’re letting them know why their website isn’t currently working for them and what they would have to do to make it work and why they can’t. Because they don’t have the time.
But instead of asking “who has the time” (another question), tell them they don’t have the time.
“You’d have to spend all day on the Internet to keep up with the changes in technology and know what tools are available to increase your company’s revenues. Then you’d need even more time to develop the technical chops to make it happen. Running your business already consumes your days; you don’t have time to waste online”
4th paragraph: This paragraph can work, but then you lead into the questions. Don’t ask them if they want those things. Tell them they need them, and why (preferably with bullet points). You’re asking the right questions here, but stop asking the question and start telling them the answer. “You need a modern, fast and professional website”, “You can capture email addresses and phone numbers of qualified leads”, etc.
Don’t ask them if they’re ready. It’s a yes or no question. If their answer is no, you’re done. To the garbage bin it goes.
If they aren’t ready to sign on with you yet, you’re going to give them 5 free ideas right? Then use that to get them to contact you in the first place. Fuck using it as a p.p.s. – that’s a contact point. Just give it to them. Once they’ve contacted you they’re in your sales funnel. That’s the only thing you care about with the first DM letter for a service. Get them into the funnel, and bribe them to do so (with 5 free ideas).
That's just quick and rough. I'm sure if I looked at it more I'd have more to say.
Part of the problem I see is that you're asking so many questions. A lot of them are the right questions, but the answers to those questions are what you need to be highlighting. You're offering them solutions, but you're not telling them that you can solve anything. Instead you're just asking questions. Tell them why they need what you can do for them, how you can do it (and how that makes their life easier), and what the result will be for their business.
But, like someone else said, if this HAS to go out tomorrow, roll with it. Get some stats and change it from there. If it can be put off for a day or two, work on it and then send it out.
No matter what happens, you've got the right idea. DM is a great way to approach area businesses, specifically brick and mortars. Not enough people take advantage of it. And if you do it right you can get rock solid numbers to base future campaigns off.
Best of luck with this.