Ok, I'll bite.
1. Targeting. Who is this aimed at? Small business owners is too broad. Do they have a website? How tech-savvy are they? How much have they already spent on their site? What emotions do they feel when they look at their website? Are they pleased with it, or embarrassed about it?
Do they even want more business from their site? Surprisingly, quite a few small business owners don't, really. The main purpose of their website is to impress their buddies at the country club. They'll spend on fancy design, but not on promotion. These people are not your customers.
What makes them angry? What have they tried before? What are their commonly held beliefs about your service? What did the last guy trying to sell them this stuff promise, but not deliver? Are they the sort of people who spend time to save money, or spend money to save time? How will a better website improve their life? (hint: “more money” is too generic )
If you don't know the above, don't waste your time sending this. Instead, use an amazing low-cost tool called the telephone to do some research. You may even pick up some customers whilst doing your research (I usually do).
2. Headline. Quit trying to be clever/cute. You're not a good enough writer to pull off "clever" headlines (very few people are, if it's any consolation). Given that your headline is the most important part of the copy, you've blown your chances at the start.
A few simple, but effective headline templates to consider:
-How to achieve <benefit> in <timescale> even if you <objection>
-<Guaranteed result> in <timescale> or your money back
-Why most <things you're selling e.g. websites> fail, and how to avoid it.
3. Shit-flinging I see you've chosen the “throwing as much shit at the wall as possible to see what sticks” strategy for your first two paragraphs. This approach is fine if the outcome you're hoping to achieve is a shit-covered wall. Otherwise, avoid it. Pick one or two pains that really REALLY bug your customer (less = better). Talk about those pains in the first paragraph. Just enough to make the knife break the first few inches of flesh. Then spend the rest of your letter twisting it, slowly.
I'm guessing here that a major pain would be the fact they've spent (often too much) money on a website, but it's nothing more than a fancy online business card that sits there doing nothing. Or they've bought SEO services from someone who promised them page 1 results, then used Google Adwords to get them there and sent them an enormous bill. Talk to your customer to find this out.
4. Story Next, give an example of how you have helped a local business just like theirs achieve an awesome result. Include names. If you don't HAVE any case studies, talk about the results you could achieve, and back it up with a strong as hell guarantee. Whatever it is, you must tell a story with it in one paragraph. The purpose of this para is a. to build credibility. and b. to build a bridge in the customer's mind from where they are now (pain) to where they want to be (anticipated pleasure)
5. Offer Once you've caused some pain, and painted a picture of how life could be better, it's time to go in for the kill. A subhead of “How I can help you” should do the job here, with 3-4 bullet points maximum. Each bullet needs to have a BENEFIT. All of your bullets are currently FEATURES (i.e. things that nobody but a web geek really gives a shit about).
What can you imagine your business owner telling his wife over dinner? “Honey, things went really at work today. I leveraged analytics and improved my ad campaigns.” Really?
Also: “I can help you use the Internet to make more money” sounds like a recruiting pitch for an MLM. Drop it.
6. Action Finally, a clear call to action is needed. You have five separate options. If they put you in charge of planning fire exits for public buildings, people would burn to death before they'd chosen a door.
Try:
“Call 0123456 now for your free 45-minute website review. I'll take your through my 10-point website profits checklist, and at end of the session you'll have a clear plan of what to do next to get more business from your website. “
Or something like that. If you want to really boost response, offer them $50 if they don't think it's the most valuable 45 minutes they've spent all year on their business.
7. PS I'm personally a fan of the PS, because people still read them. BUT just use one, and keep it short. Use it to restate the biggest benefit, offer the guarantee, or introduce scarcity (e.g. I'm only accepting 2 new clients this month)
While we're on the subject, you've made #1 salesperson error in the PS, which is not respecting your prospect's time. There IS a risk in getting a free consult from you – the risk they'll waste half a day with an idiot. Reassure them this won't happen. Imagine you were charging $500 for the consult. That's the sort of value you need to offer to ask for a couple of hours of their time.
Also, you have typo in absolutely. I probably have typos in this post too. Heh. Hope that helps.
1. Targeting. Who is this aimed at? Small business owners is too broad. Do they have a website? How tech-savvy are they? How much have they already spent on their site? What emotions do they feel when they look at their website? Are they pleased with it, or embarrassed about it?
Do they even want more business from their site? Surprisingly, quite a few small business owners don't, really. The main purpose of their website is to impress their buddies at the country club. They'll spend on fancy design, but not on promotion. These people are not your customers.
What makes them angry? What have they tried before? What are their commonly held beliefs about your service? What did the last guy trying to sell them this stuff promise, but not deliver? Are they the sort of people who spend time to save money, or spend money to save time? How will a better website improve their life? (hint: “more money” is too generic )
If you don't know the above, don't waste your time sending this. Instead, use an amazing low-cost tool called the telephone to do some research. You may even pick up some customers whilst doing your research (I usually do).
2. Headline. Quit trying to be clever/cute. You're not a good enough writer to pull off "clever" headlines (very few people are, if it's any consolation). Given that your headline is the most important part of the copy, you've blown your chances at the start.
A few simple, but effective headline templates to consider:
-How to achieve <benefit> in <timescale> even if you <objection>
-<Guaranteed result> in <timescale> or your money back
-Why most <things you're selling e.g. websites> fail, and how to avoid it.
3. Shit-flinging I see you've chosen the “throwing as much shit at the wall as possible to see what sticks” strategy for your first two paragraphs. This approach is fine if the outcome you're hoping to achieve is a shit-covered wall. Otherwise, avoid it. Pick one or two pains that really REALLY bug your customer (less = better). Talk about those pains in the first paragraph. Just enough to make the knife break the first few inches of flesh. Then spend the rest of your letter twisting it, slowly.
I'm guessing here that a major pain would be the fact they've spent (often too much) money on a website, but it's nothing more than a fancy online business card that sits there doing nothing. Or they've bought SEO services from someone who promised them page 1 results, then used Google Adwords to get them there and sent them an enormous bill. Talk to your customer to find this out.
4. Story Next, give an example of how you have helped a local business just like theirs achieve an awesome result. Include names. If you don't HAVE any case studies, talk about the results you could achieve, and back it up with a strong as hell guarantee. Whatever it is, you must tell a story with it in one paragraph. The purpose of this para is a. to build credibility. and b. to build a bridge in the customer's mind from where they are now (pain) to where they want to be (anticipated pleasure)
5. Offer Once you've caused some pain, and painted a picture of how life could be better, it's time to go in for the kill. A subhead of “How I can help you” should do the job here, with 3-4 bullet points maximum. Each bullet needs to have a BENEFIT. All of your bullets are currently FEATURES (i.e. things that nobody but a web geek really gives a shit about).
What can you imagine your business owner telling his wife over dinner? “Honey, things went really at work today. I leveraged analytics and improved my ad campaigns.” Really?
Also: “I can help you use the Internet to make more money” sounds like a recruiting pitch for an MLM. Drop it.
6. Action Finally, a clear call to action is needed. You have five separate options. If they put you in charge of planning fire exits for public buildings, people would burn to death before they'd chosen a door.
Try:
“Call 0123456 now for your free 45-minute website review. I'll take your through my 10-point website profits checklist, and at end of the session you'll have a clear plan of what to do next to get more business from your website. “
Or something like that. If you want to really boost response, offer them $50 if they don't think it's the most valuable 45 minutes they've spent all year on their business.
7. PS I'm personally a fan of the PS, because people still read them. BUT just use one, and keep it short. Use it to restate the biggest benefit, offer the guarantee, or introduce scarcity (e.g. I'm only accepting 2 new clients this month)
While we're on the subject, you've made #1 salesperson error in the PS, which is not respecting your prospect's time. There IS a risk in getting a free consult from you – the risk they'll waste half a day with an idiot. Reassure them this won't happen. Imagine you were charging $500 for the consult. That's the sort of value you need to offer to ask for a couple of hours of their time.
Also, you have typo in absolutely. I probably have typos in this post too. Heh. Hope that helps.
