I'm going to distribute this sales letter all over Philadelphia and Bucks County tomorrow morning, I'd love to get some feedback while I still have time. If anyone's interested, I'll upload the pdf somewhere.
Feel Like Critiquing My Copywriting?
- Thread starter pinchyfingers
- Start date
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]https://www.dropbox.com/s/zk8onfzkvw6iazj/tom-hyndman-copywriting.pdf[/FONT]
Took me a minute to figure out the Dropbox public links, it's too late at night...
Took me a minute to figure out the Dropbox public links, it's too late at night...
I can't offer much in copywriting critique, but I think this is a great idea, this is a good way to get some more customers. I think the mid to older crowd will respond well to this style of sales letter.
Thanks. I've been working on some webapps, but I'm hoping I can create some mutually beneficial relationships with the business owners in my area to keep the income coming in while I get better at the webapp game.
I'm surrounded by a lot of blue-collar businesses and lot of family owned restaurants and stuff, and many of the people running those businesses aren't very tech-savvy, so part of the challenge is convincing them that what I have to offer is useful.
I'm surrounded by a lot of blue-collar businesses and lot of family owned restaurants and stuff, and many of the people running those businesses aren't very tech-savvy, so part of the challenge is convincing them that what I have to offer is useful.
Roll with this as is. It's too short notice to give it a thorough facelift.
In the future, bullet point what you can do for them. Make use of formatting to keep it from being a wall of text.
A better title would be
Then tell a short narrative of how you help small businesses. Include detail (numbers, facts) of what they get, and why. Try to keep it to less than 5 major points. 3 is probably ideal.
Then tell them to contact you if they want your help. Emphasize the ph# over the email address.
Don't ask 25 questions. You don't want them to sit there and think about the answers.
I'd find a way to either remove those many questions, or reformat them into statements. This isn't the Spanish inquisition, it is a sales pitch.
hth
In the future, bullet point what you can do for them. Make use of formatting to keep it from being a wall of text.
A better title would be
It's a better title, because when your audience is probably intimidated and unfamiliar with what you do, cute humor doesn't help. You need to be very clear and easy to understand.
Then tell a short narrative of how you help small businesses. Include detail (numbers, facts) of what they get, and why. Try to keep it to less than 5 major points. 3 is probably ideal.
Then tell them to contact you if they want your help. Emphasize the ph# over the email address.
Don't ask 25 questions. You don't want them to sit there and think about the answers.
I'd find a way to either remove those many questions, or reformat them into statements. This isn't the Spanish inquisition, it is a sales pitch.
hth
Headline is weak and why should anyone care that some stranger is "losing sleep". Nowhere in your body copy do you demonstrate you have made money for others. Where do you demonstrate your credibility and social proof? Why would I hire you? Cite examples of clients you have helped in the past and list exactly how you 'improved x' or 'raised y by 60%".
Too many questions that are ambiguous and force your prospect to think.
"I don't care if you have to wake me up in the middle of the night, I have nothing better to do than help you make more money"
Talented people do not broadcast that they are available anytime. You are the product and you have to demonstrate scarcity to raise your value.
I wish I had the time but honestly it needs a full rewrite. Google for some swipe files.
Too many questions that are ambiguous and force your prospect to think.
"I don't care if you have to wake me up in the middle of the night, I have nothing better to do than help you make more money"
Talented people do not broadcast that they are available anytime. You are the product and you have to demonstrate scarcity to raise your value.
I wish I had the time but honestly it needs a full rewrite. Google for some swipe files.
This doesn't directly apply to your sales letter, but I'd remove the middle finger from your portfolio. It looks juvenile.
Thanks for the feedback. I'm gonna spend the next couple hours trying to get this thing into shape.
For what it’s worth:
Headline: it’s not terrible, but this type of headline would work better in an advertorial than it does for this sales letter. Most business owners aren’t going care that you lose sleep, especially since you aren’t working for them right now.
Also, I’m not sure the make more money angle is the correct choice. They get people telling them they can help them make more money every single day, yet they still aren’t making any more money. Take the same meaning, but spin it differently. You’re going to help them get more leads, better leads, get more customers something like that.
1st paragraph: Are you sending this out to targeted businesses or to everyone? What if they don’t have a website?
You may have just wasted half of your mailing spend right there. If it’s targeted the opening question can work, but if you’re sending it out to places that may or may not have a website you’re running the risk of losing people with your first line.
Why do you have a website? – I don’t have a website so in the garbage it goes.
Also, I’m with guerilla in this paragraph. Too many questions back to back.
2nd paragraph. If you lose some of the questions in the opening paragraph, this one can work as is. Grammar check: Your “Its” should be “It’s”, you’re talking about it is, not its as a possessive.
3rd paragraph – For the most part this is good. You’re letting them know why their website isn’t currently working for them and what they would have to do to make it work and why they can’t. Because they don’t have the time.
But instead of asking “who has the time” (another question), tell them they don’t have the time.
“You’d have to spend all day on the Internet to keep up with the changes in technology and know what tools are available to increase your company’s revenues. Then you’d need even more time to develop the technical chops to make it happen. Running your business already consumes your days; you don’t have time to waste online”
4th paragraph: This paragraph can work, but then you lead into the questions. Don’t ask them if they want those things. Tell them they need them, and why (preferably with bullet points). You’re asking the right questions here, but stop asking the question and start telling them the answer. “You need a modern, fast and professional website”, “You can capture email addresses and phone numbers of qualified leads”, etc.
Don’t ask them if they’re ready. It’s a yes or no question. If their answer is no, you’re done. To the garbage bin it goes.
If they aren’t ready to sign on with you yet, you’re going to give them 5 free ideas right? Then use that to get them to contact you in the first place. Fuck using it as a p.p.s. – that’s a contact point. Just give it to them. Once they’ve contacted you they’re in your sales funnel. That’s the only thing you care about with the first DM letter for a service. Get them into the funnel, and bribe them to do so (with 5 free ideas).
That's just quick and rough. I'm sure if I looked at it more I'd have more to say.
Part of the problem I see is that you're asking so many questions. A lot of them are the right questions, but the answers to those questions are what you need to be highlighting. You're offering them solutions, but you're not telling them that you can solve anything. Instead you're just asking questions. Tell them why they need what you can do for them, how you can do it (and how that makes their life easier), and what the result will be for their business.
But, like someone else said, if this HAS to go out tomorrow, roll with it. Get some stats and change it from there. If it can be put off for a day or two, work on it and then send it out.
No matter what happens, you've got the right idea. DM is a great way to approach area businesses, specifically brick and mortars. Not enough people take advantage of it. And if you do it right you can get rock solid numbers to base future campaigns off.
Best of luck with this.
Headline: it’s not terrible, but this type of headline would work better in an advertorial than it does for this sales letter. Most business owners aren’t going care that you lose sleep, especially since you aren’t working for them right now.
Also, I’m not sure the make more money angle is the correct choice. They get people telling them they can help them make more money every single day, yet they still aren’t making any more money. Take the same meaning, but spin it differently. You’re going to help them get more leads, better leads, get more customers something like that.
1st paragraph: Are you sending this out to targeted businesses or to everyone? What if they don’t have a website?
You may have just wasted half of your mailing spend right there. If it’s targeted the opening question can work, but if you’re sending it out to places that may or may not have a website you’re running the risk of losing people with your first line.
Why do you have a website? – I don’t have a website so in the garbage it goes.
Also, I’m with guerilla in this paragraph. Too many questions back to back.
2nd paragraph. If you lose some of the questions in the opening paragraph, this one can work as is. Grammar check: Your “Its” should be “It’s”, you’re talking about it is, not its as a possessive.
3rd paragraph – For the most part this is good. You’re letting them know why their website isn’t currently working for them and what they would have to do to make it work and why they can’t. Because they don’t have the time.
But instead of asking “who has the time” (another question), tell them they don’t have the time.
“You’d have to spend all day on the Internet to keep up with the changes in technology and know what tools are available to increase your company’s revenues. Then you’d need even more time to develop the technical chops to make it happen. Running your business already consumes your days; you don’t have time to waste online”
4th paragraph: This paragraph can work, but then you lead into the questions. Don’t ask them if they want those things. Tell them they need them, and why (preferably with bullet points). You’re asking the right questions here, but stop asking the question and start telling them the answer. “You need a modern, fast and professional website”, “You can capture email addresses and phone numbers of qualified leads”, etc.
Don’t ask them if they’re ready. It’s a yes or no question. If their answer is no, you’re done. To the garbage bin it goes.
If they aren’t ready to sign on with you yet, you’re going to give them 5 free ideas right? Then use that to get them to contact you in the first place. Fuck using it as a p.p.s. – that’s a contact point. Just give it to them. Once they’ve contacted you they’re in your sales funnel. That’s the only thing you care about with the first DM letter for a service. Get them into the funnel, and bribe them to do so (with 5 free ideas).
That's just quick and rough. I'm sure if I looked at it more I'd have more to say.
Part of the problem I see is that you're asking so many questions. A lot of them are the right questions, but the answers to those questions are what you need to be highlighting. You're offering them solutions, but you're not telling them that you can solve anything. Instead you're just asking questions. Tell them why they need what you can do for them, how you can do it (and how that makes their life easier), and what the result will be for their business.
But, like someone else said, if this HAS to go out tomorrow, roll with it. Get some stats and change it from there. If it can be put off for a day or two, work on it and then send it out.
No matter what happens, you've got the right idea. DM is a great way to approach area businesses, specifically brick and mortars. Not enough people take advantage of it. And if you do it right you can get rock solid numbers to base future campaigns off.
Best of luck with this.
JRose, thanks for the thorough advice. I can wait a day or two to get this letter out, I just had set tomorrow as the date. I guess I'll be working on this letter all day, rather than getting it out.
To be clear, my plan is to go into places on foot and drop the letter off in person. I'm assuming this will be more effective, but I admit that it is pure assumption. Maybe I'll just piss people off by coming into their place of business unexpectedly, I don't know.
To be clear, my plan is to go into places on foot and drop the letter off in person. I'm assuming this will be more effective, but I admit that it is pure assumption. Maybe I'll just piss people off by coming into their place of business unexpectedly, I don't know.
You won't piss people off if you don't act weird, clingy and try to chat them up. Respect that is their place of work. Get it into the best hands you can, and bail.
You mentioned Gary Halbert in your PM. He wasn't writing to cold audiences.
That's sort of why I mentioned trying to keep it very simple and short. You can always follow up later if they don't respond, with a "I'm following up to make sure you understood what I can do for your business and to see if you had any questions about marketing your business online."
Truth is, it might take two or three attempts before you break through with some people. They are busy. They might not have time to pivot to a website if they hadn't considered it before.
The best copy for this sort of thing is more flyer-esque than a proper sales letter. The same principles apply, but the presentation is a lot leaner.
Definitely don't need PS and PPSes on it either. That's a long form thing that probably isn't ideal in this format. You want to make that one page high impact, and very easy to understand.
You mentioned Gary Halbert in your PM. He wasn't writing to cold audiences.
That's sort of why I mentioned trying to keep it very simple and short. You can always follow up later if they don't respond, with a "I'm following up to make sure you understood what I can do for your business and to see if you had any questions about marketing your business online."
Truth is, it might take two or three attempts before you break through with some people. They are busy. They might not have time to pivot to a website if they hadn't considered it before.
The best copy for this sort of thing is more flyer-esque than a proper sales letter. The same principles apply, but the presentation is a lot leaner.
Definitely don't need PS and PPSes on it either. That's a long form thing that probably isn't ideal in this format. You want to make that one page high impact, and very easy to understand.
Well, like I said, for what it's worth. It's late and I'm about to crash.
If you're going to spend time working on it, my advice would be to take two copies with you. It shouldn't have to be a complete rewrite and the second should be fairly easy to write since you'll already know what you want to say. Then split test the two letters. Keep track of which letter you give to what businesses and then who responds.
If you're going to be walking it in, it can work, it really just depends on the owner. AND if you're doing that, make sure you're talking to a decision maker.
Also, have you're 30 second elevator pitch ready. If you're dropping it off and get to talk to someone who has the authority to sign off on it, they're going to have questions. How you answer those questions will probably be more important than the letter.
I'm sure you already know this, but if you're walking them in, try to avoid busy times of the day. If you don't get it out tomorrow or Thursday, wait until next the beginning of next week. Friday's are busy as hell for most businesses and the majority of people just want the weekend to get there, even the owners.
It's lacking on of the most important things, the story. It's got no story bro, I tuned it out and moved on.
If you're really interested in copywriting, add this to your swipe file and read it just before you go to write. It warms me up to write everytime, and I'm by no means a great writer. Failed engrish, but copywriting is a different beast
If you're really interested in copywriting, add this to your swipe file and read it just before you go to write. It warms me up to write everytime, and I'm by no means a great writer. Failed engrish, but copywriting is a different beast