My 5,000th Post - Not What You Expected

Married 10+ years, have 2 kids, and I work like a dog. This certainly hits home. Sometimes we get caught up in the grind of what we do, the highs and lows of this incredible era we find ourselves in. Frankly it doesn't matter. If my company implodes tomorrow I'd be hurt financially, but my kids and wife would still know I love them (and hopefully would continue loving me)...if my marriage implodes, the company would probably suffer from my lack of focus.

On a purely mathematical level it makes sense to show your loved ones that you care. It's how us robots process things.

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As an update, an interesting turn of events!

Even with what I am about to say, I want to drive home the message of spending time with loved ones and actually making quality time.

When I first found out about this, all i heard was I don't spend enough time with her and the kids, which I believed and accepted and was ready to move on and take my lumps. Last night though, I find out she had an affair on the 18th.

This makes me question if I really did spend too little time with her. Was this just a cover up to save her face for having an affair, did she have it because of the time issue? Whatever the issue, having an affair while married for any reason is about as low to me as it gets. At least wait until after the separation or papers being filed to do that shit.

Needless to say, I am not in the right frame of mind right now. I spent my first night homeless last night, taking a shower in a truck stop and finding clothes to wear at WalMart for the next day along with the sweet smell of AXE body spray. Yeah. I'm fucked up all even more now mentally then taking the hit of the divorce. I found a McDonalds that had free wifi because I couldn't get into my office last night just so I could find out what I could do next.

Im spending the day today changing my bank accounts and benefits. You know, the divorce was hard enough, but I really knew I could get thru it OK and take care of kids. This affair shit though, that is just a whole other level, especially the after the scene she made when her EX cheated on her and what she did to him for years afterward and yet she does it to me.

I know to take care of my kids and I will, but right now I can even take a piss without getting it all over me due to my nerves after this. Its times like this I wish I fucking did drugs or drank heavily just to get thru this 1 day in my life.
 
Damn, like I said bro.. it may not even have a damn thing to do with what she says it does. Don't beat yourself up.

Doesn't matter, right now you need to get your fucking shit together and collect evidence. Take this opportunity to take control of the situation. I know you just want to wallow in your sorrow and that's fine... you can do that too, but get your ducks in a row and contact a lawyer fucking immediately. Maybe even hire a private investigator for a few days... Be on the offensive... I'm telling you man. Doesn't mean you have to pull the trigger, but you want to be able crush her in court when you find out that she's been seeing this faggot for 5 months behind your back and she wants a new family with him and your daughters. This is how women think.. they always want to integrate the children into mommy's new life. It will happen eventually, but at least give yourself some control over who is spending time with your kids. I'd say it's a 50% chance that 4 months now you'll be agonizing over the fact that some other dick is at your kid's bday party. Reality check time. Not trying to be harsh... just trying to snap you the fuck out of it temporarily.

I know this is the furthest thing from your mind right now... but get your shit together legally... here's your chance to guarantee that no other douche bag tries to fill your shoes in your kid's life as soon as you two separate. Happens every fucking day, and it's confusing as hell to the children. Come on, man the fuck up and strategize. Think of it as a game and win.
 
eliquid said:
Last night though, I find out she had an affair on the 18th.
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Don't worry about why she had an affair for now. You can figure all that shit out later. You'll just destroy yourself if you keep wondering about it right now.

What you need to do is get evidence of the affair, and take it to your lawyer.

Try to put your emotions to the side for now. You can mourn for your relationship later. Now is the time to be practical.

And thank god you aren't a big drinker or a drug user. Don't start.

Good luck.
 
Ouch. I feel for you.

Stay strong! No matter how hard it is to imagine right now, there will be better times in your life!
 
eliquid said:
Needless to say, I am not in the right frame of mind right now. I spent my first night homeless last night, taking a shower in a truck stop and finding clothes to wear at WalMart for the next day along with the sweet smell of AXE body spray. Yeah. I'm fucked up all even more now mentally then taking the hit of the divorce. I found a McDonalds that had free wifi because I couldn't get into my office last night just so I could find out what I could do next.
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Eli, I sent you a PM with my number. I live in Ohio, at Lebanon to be specific. Call me, I have a 2nd bedroom its yours if you want it.
 
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eliquid said:
As an update, an interesting turn of events!

Even with what I am about to say, I want to drive home the message of spending time with loved ones and actually making quality time.

When I first found out about this, all i heard was I don't spend enough time with her and the kids, which I believed and accepted and was ready to move on and take my lumps. Last night though, I find out she had an affair on the 18th.

This makes me question if I really did spend too little time with her. Was this just a cover up to save her face for having an affair, did she have it because of the time issue? Whatever the issue, having an affair while married for any reason is about as low to me as it gets. At least wait until after the separation or papers being filed to do that shit.

Needless to say, I am not in the right frame of mind right now. I spent my first night homeless last night, taking a shower in a truck stop and finding clothes to wear at WalMart for the next day along with the sweet smell of AXE body spray. Yeah. I'm fucked up all even more now mentally then taking the hit of the divorce. I found a McDonalds that had free wifi because I couldn't get into my office last night just so I could find out what I could do next.

Im spending the day today changing my bank accounts and benefits. You know, the divorce was hard enough, but I really knew I could get thru it OK and take care of kids. This affair shit though, that is just a whole other level, especially the after the scene she made when her EX cheated on her and what she did to him for years afterward and yet she does it to me.

I know to take care of my kids and I will, but right now I can even take a piss without getting it all over me due to my nerves after this. Its times like this I wish I fucking did drugs or drank heavily just to get thru this 1 day in my life.
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I don't want to sound callus, but if divorce was inevitable, then this is actually a good thing for you. You now have the upper hand in divorce proceedings.

Of course it hurts more now, but the pain will subside in time and you have the rest of your life to live.

It's no secret that the courts always favor the woman in divorce proceedings, especially when it comes to custody of children.

It's time to start treating this like a business decision and to start figuring out how to position yourself so that you can have the best life AFTER this is over. Get a good lawyer and fight for your kids and your money!
 
wiredniko said:
I have a question for you. How many times did you fail in the beginning before you got your first success? The "problem" is you have tasted success so you know that it can be done. I am just putting blind faith that it can. Part of me thinks I am just a fool for trying. Ever met the guy that keeps talking about his business and its something dumb that he fell for because of a guru out there? I am afraid I am that guy...only I got no gurus. I just have a bunch of crazy people on online forum.
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I used to think like this, so I can answer your question for you.

All in all it took me about 3 years to have my first high traffic site (although I couldn't figure out how to monetize it properly) and then another 2 years before I started making any money and then another year after that before I started making a lot of money.

I can look back at every single project I ever did (from the moment I started in 6th grade and on) and every single fucking one of them if I did just a couple things differently I would've made a ton of money with it. Here were a couple projects I did in my first year, and there were a ton more just like it:

Did a bunch a huge coupon site (basically MFA site that went to CJ affiliate offers). Spent something like $150 in saved up money and made something like $120 back. If I did any sort of A/B testing, conversion optimization, or bothered to look into an elusive thing called SEO that site could've very easily made $500-1000/day. But I gave up when it wasn't working and wondered why all those other coupon sites which seemed just as shitty were doing ok.

Realized I could arbitrage traffic as PopUpTraffic.com paid a flat $4CPM for all popups (and $3 CPM for all popunders) and I could buy "hits" for a $1.25 CPM from a site called BuyHitsCheap. I did the arbitrage and actually broke even. If I played around with that a little more, testing other shitty cheap traffic sources, I might have been able to find one that gave me a positive ROI and could've scaled the hell out of it. Instead I gave up and moved on.

Those were both big projects in my first year of trying to make money online, and I remember around that time thinking that it must be impossible to make money online. I chuckle a little bit looking back seeing how close I was in both cases to making a lot of money and that I gave up. Even on later projects that did make me money, I look back and see places where I let up, and if I had pushed just a little bit further I would've gone from $30/day or $50/day to $500/day.

You can respond with, well those projects were in 2005 and it was really easy to make money then. But it is still really easy to make money now. You just need to be persistent with what you are doing and you will eventually figure out those things that will look glaringly obvious in hindsight. My biggest money maker (4 figures/day for a span on 3-4 months) was something that was a pretty novel idea, but 4-5 other people came up with it around the same time. However those 4-5 people tried it a bit could not quite figure out that last 10% that took it from a cool idea to a huge money maker. It took a lot of time and testing for something that looked like it would never work, but I eventually figured out that last bit and made a lot of money.

If a newbie were to ask me for the best advice I could give looking back, it would be these 3 things:
1. Figure out what your skillsets and interests are and find a business that works well with those. If you don't know what your skillsets are, start with your interests. If you don't have any interests you should get a job at McDonalds.
2. Limit yourself to 1 or 2 projects to start. If you have more than 3 awesome projects and you don't have a team of people working underneath you I can almost guarantee you that none of those projects will ever see the light of day.
3. Once you have those projects be persistent with them. Making money is not easy and if you stop working on a project when it stops being easy don't expect to ever make money online.

Hope that helped, or at least gave you some hope. Also, in regards to your last bit, find an affiliate/seo meetup in your area. I'm sure they exist and you'll get a bunch of unique perspectives from guys who are quietly making a living doing something you'd never have thought of. And you'll get to see for yourself that this is real.
 
eliquid said:
As an update, an interesting turn of events!

Even with what I am about to say, I want to drive home the message of spending time with loved ones and actually making quality time.

When I first found out about this, all i heard was I don't spend enough time with her and the kids, which I believed and accepted and was ready to move on and take my lumps. Last night though, I find out she had an affair on the 18th.

This makes me question if I really did spend too little time with her. Was this just a cover up to save her face for having an affair, did she have it because of the time issue? Whatever the issue, having an affair while married for any reason is about as low to me as it gets. At least wait until after the separation or papers being filed to do that shit.

Needless to say, I am not in the right frame of mind right now. I spent my first night homeless last night, taking a shower in a truck stop and finding clothes to wear at WalMart for the next day along with the sweet smell of AXE body spray. Yeah. I'm fucked up all even more now mentally then taking the hit of the divorce. I found a McDonalds that had free wifi because I couldn't get into my office last night just so I could find out what I could do next.

Im spending the day today changing my bank accounts and benefits. You know, the divorce was hard enough, but I really knew I could get thru it OK and take care of kids. This affair shit though, that is just a whole other level, especially the after the scene she made when her EX cheated on her and what she did to him for years afterward and yet she does it to me.

I know to take care of my kids and I will, but right now I can even take a piss without getting it all over me due to my nerves after this. Its times like this I wish I fucking did drugs or drank heavily just to get thru this 1 day in my life.
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Keep a level head and things will get better. I don't say this often but my thoughts are with you, nobody should have to go through that. Feel free to reach out!
 
eliquid said:
As an update, an interesting turn of events!

Even with what I am about to say, I want to drive home the message of spen. Last night though, I find out she had an affair on the 18th.

This makes me question if I really did spend too little time with her. Was this just a cover up to save her face for having an affair, did she have it because of the time issue? Whatever the issue, having an affair while married for any reason is about as low to me as it gets. At least wait until after the separation or papers being filed to do that shit.

Needless to say, I am not in the right frame of mind right now. I spent my first night homeless last night, taking a shower in a truck stop and finding clothes to wear at WalMart for the next day along with the sweet smell of AXE body spray. Yeah. I'm fucked up all even more now mentally then taking the hit of the divorce. I found a McDonalds that had free wifi because I couldn't get into my office last night just so I could find out what I could do next.
Click to expand...

First off, that's fucked up. Second of all, for the next month you'll be going over those questions constantly. It's going to fucking suck, because you will build up all this tension about how your life sucks now and how she has someone else. You'll will constantly be comparing yourself to her, which is natural because ultimately you became so intertwined with her.

What happens after a while, is you begin to develop this bitter taste towards life. Most people move to drugs or alcohol as an "escape" however, that only pushes back the unavoidable. Soon that bitter taste, makes you realize that life moves on and nothing really matters other than yourself and those that share your blood, either be it family or kids. Soon, you'll realize that "love" is all relative. What you feel for someone makes you think its unique and special, but in reality, it isn't, when everyone else can experience the same thing. You will also realize, that you'll say fuck it to the world, and what you once thought wasn't possible, now is. You are now liberated, and no matter how much you believe spending time with her would have changed things, it wouldn't have. For someone to do something like that carries a lot more weight than you could imagine. This happens all the time to people who choose to acquire currency over women. Also just think about the turmoil she is going to go through in the years to come. She probably left a legitimate guy (I don't know you eliquid) to some guy she doesn't really know. Plus, she is the one the fucked up, not you, she may try to justify it by blaming you but deep down she knows that when her kids grow up, she will have to explain that mommy slept with another guy, that must eat her up. Plus What's important, is you have your fortune, which you will precede to fucking indestructibly triple and then quadrupole, and your kids love (by the true definition) you.
 
JamesMurphyCopy said:
Don't worry about why she had an affair for now. You can figure all that shit out later. You'll just destroy yourself if you keep wondering about it right now.

What you need to do is get evidence of the affair, and take it to your lawyer.

Try to put your emotions to the side for now. You can mourn for your relationship later. Now is the time to be practical.

And thank god you aren't a big drinker or a drug user. Don't start.

Good luck.
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This will save some of your duckets..

She cheated, so what. She's a whore, just remember she's the mother of your kids, don't bad mouth her in front of the them.


Keep your ducks in order.

Keep seeing your kids. When you don't see them, call them. If you tell them I will see you this date or call this time, DO IT. Your WORD is everything to them. It's about you getting your mind right and your kids.

Your ex wife was just a speed bump....


that's all.


edit- don't even think for a minute she just had an affair on the 18th. she met dude, he's new. she want the change, etc.
this is a blessing for you. get the fuck out and don't look back. don't even think of giving it a chance. the trust is broken.


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Yep, that's the unforgivable. And like everyone else said, at least you aren't going to be paying her a dime now. Get evidence. And watch out, don't argue with her, or say anything crazy on the phone or in person. I knew a dude who's fucked up female would incite him to get him cussing and all that, and recorded him and used it against him to make it so he couldn't even see his children at all, all the while she was the one running around cheating.

Yep, level head, get evidence, no arguing.
 
Been there done that, to an eerie degree of similarity. This isn't quick to get over but honestly you did catch a break, this is the type of wound that heals stronger than before.

Meatytreats said:
I don't want to sound callus, but if divorce was inevitable, then this is actually a good thing for you.
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^^ QFT

Meatytreats said:
Of course it hurts more now, but the pain will subside in time and you have the rest of your life to live.
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Hurts less actually (but more angst ridden frustration that's out of your control) because the responsibility is not even indirectly his for things falling apart or kids scars. That's someone else's burden to carry. Now the hurt turns from "how can I fix my fucked up self" to ... "wow, wtf did she just do to our kids.". Different pain all together.

especially the after the scene she made when her EX cheated on her and what she did to him for years afterward and yet she does it to me.
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Please, everyone take a moment and let this sink in so that when you're confronted with someone who is obnoxiously attempting to take the high ground over something, anything ... it typically means they're were at fault and still have these skeletons locked up.

I know you're not a fan of mine, but as I started this post ... I have been there, done that. I'm available if you want it.
 
Man, I feel very sad for you now man.
I wish and sincerely hope that you could reconcile with your wife and family again. You can still fix your family.

And I thank you a lot for posting this thread.
As I am walking to the same path that you have walked on.
I am working so hard now that I often forget if not most of the time dont give time to my family because of work.
But I am only doing this for them and I want us to have a better place to live so that my one year old boy will have a better life.

I will take your advice man. I never imagined I can read something like this in here.
 
Thats nothing. I have a friend whose wife keeps on cheating him every weekend and he just drinks his life away. Everybody knows, but he doesn't accept that fact.

Whats done is done. Its time for you to take revenge on your wife and the woman race in general. Get in shape, get more money, buy a new expensive car, and fuck the shit out of everyone you meet. Instead of a bottle, get a gym membership.
Dont get me wrong, I love woman and respect them. But sometimes they can be bitches.
 
Hey eliquid,

Thank you for your post, this thread brought tears to my eyes. It's reality, it is what it is. It will get a lot better and you will be happy again. I was going to save post 2,000 for something else but fuck it, you are a WF brother in need of advice and this is more important. I shall tell you what I wish was plainly said to me after a lost relationship.

I can't even begin to relay how much I hope this advice reaches you in a manner which you take it to heart. I fucking guarantee if you follow what is outlined here that in 5 years your 10k post will be how you've become the best man you've ever been and how far you've come since the people unfaithful to you have melted away to insignificance.

Here it is,

Associate the powerful feelings you are going through with what ACTIONS you can do, do not willfully associate what you're feeling now with a non existent reality of a love lost. The instant she told you she cheated, is the moment where your reality was updated to one where this woman is completely insignificant in how you feel, think, act or live your life. It will take time for the emotions to reconcile this reality but it will happen.

You are going to experience a lot of pain, hurt, jealousy, regret enough to last you for years. Accept this fact now, You don't want or need to resist any of it, resistance to emotion is terribly harmful to the rational mind of a man. ALL OF IT is energy you have to USE and DIVERT to meaningful work and activities which will impact your life and the life of your kids positively.

Feel it all for what it is, watch it fade like the tide coming in and receding with different intensities which can't be predicted rationally. The flow of your mind generated by the invisible currents of your unconscious. If you try to analyze, contemplate, or dwell on something you cannot even begin to understand(unconscious emotions), you will drive yourself crazy.

You are NOT doing it to outdo her, to make her jealous, you're not even doing it so the kids gravitate towards you because of the powerful, knowledgeable, wealthy, and wise man you'll become, you're doing everything to outdo yourself. Not because you are lacking in any respect, you're going to do this because you are a man who must now become a god unto his own domain.

I wish you good luck in the court proceedings. thehobbster hit the nail on the head with "Yep, level head, get evidence, no arguing." - This should be your mantra until the court proceedings are over. What I wrote above is for your sanity and prosperity after the court proceedings.
 
Dunno about in KY but here in CA the grounds for divorce is pretty much irrelevant and guys have little hope of using the cheating wife defense to save their assets. Then again KY seems a little more old school than that so perhaps there is hope.
 
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