If you give me $100, I'll put in a good word for you with God to forgive you for all of your present sins.
For just $299/month, I'll give you the Sinners Club discount and take care of them for you without you having to worry about them ever again. With that package comes weekly forgiveness and a report at the end of the month about your savings. There's even a pretty thermometer-style chart in the report showing you your progress towards Heaven.
You could die anytime, so don't wait until it's too late!