Your Best Joke for the Comedy Impaired

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
 


There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
The doctor asks him what the problem was.

The elderly man says, "well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. "

The doctor is shocked and says "wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!"

The elderly man says "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the damned lid off of the specimen cup."

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Two West Virginians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
 
My wife says I'm not allowed to tell this joke to others...

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to order a drink. He looks over and sees that Hitler is sitting next to him.

Guy: Hitler, is that you?
Hitler: Yep it's me
Guy: So what have you been doing for the last 70 or so years?
Hitler: I've been building up a secret army called the 4th Reich.
Guy: So what are you and this 4th Reich going to do?
Hitler: We're going to kill 5 million Jews and 3 circus clowns.
Guy: 3 circus clowns? Why 3 circus clowns?
Hitler: See! I told you nobody cares about the Jews!


Sorry, to all of the Jews out there.
 
Copy pasting for laziness:

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
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quiet said:
What's the best part about having sex with twenty eight year olds?

There are twenty of them.
Click to expand...

I was in Vegas for ASW 2010 and heard this joke in a Belagio bathroom while taking a piss. Some drunk guy yelled it out while he was pissing all over his own shoes.
 
A guy is walking home through the park when he notices an old man crying on a park bench. He goes over and asks the old man why he's crying.
The old man sobs " last month I won the lottery, then I met and married a gorgeous 25 year old model. She cleans the house, cooks my dinner every night, and she takes care of my every sexual need and fantasy".
So, what's the problem the guy asks. The old man blubbers out " I can't remember where I live".
 
“How long have you been working here?” one employee asked to another.
“Ever since the boss threatened to fire me.”
 
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

It's Einstein's turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.

Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.

Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"

Newton smiles and says "You didn't find me, you found Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
 
And some more...


#1 What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

#2 A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

#3 Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.

#4 Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there's lots of school spirit!
 
What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale?

White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
 
Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:

" Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
 
Doctor - "How often do you masturbate?"
Patient - "About 4 times a day."
Doctor - "Do you think you can stop?"
Patient - "Why?"
Doctor - "Because I'm trying to examine you"



Mike and Ashley were having a dry spell in their sex life. Ashley goes out and buys some crotchless panties. She puts them on and sits on the couch with her legs wide open. When Mike gets home from work she says 'you want some of this?'
Mike says 'Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!'
 
#1Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)

#2What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!

#3 A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
 
Cshark said:
#1Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)

#2What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!

#3 A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
Click to expand...

Do I detect another Wickedfire female?
 
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