So a guy walks into a bar...

[thelorax]

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey
in a cage behind the bar and asks about it."You don't want to know," answers the bartender.
A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey."
"OK, I'll show you," says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and
whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender's pants and
starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, "You want to try it?"
"Hell, yeah," says the guy. "But don't hit me that hard."


------

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.
After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk."What's your name?" he asked.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"
"Beertits," the man replied.


Maxim's 100 Funniest Jokes

 

[ryanroks]

2 men walk into a bar.......you think the second one would have noticed.

 

[FerrisHilton]

Maxim's 100 Funniest Jokes

Funny but in #49 how does the old lady answer her doorbell if the electricity was cut off that morning?

 

[schockergd]

Funny but in #49 how does the old lady answer her doorbell if the electricity was cut off that morning?

Do you not use battery powered doorbells where you live?

 

[pa2phoenix]

84. Q: What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper?


A: About two weeks.

 

[Unarmed Gunman]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a miniature human at the end of the bar sitting down playing a miniature piano, and what appears to be a genie lamp next to it. He asks the bartender what's the deal and the bartender says "you don't want to know".

After a few minutes the guy can't take it anymore and pleads with the bartender to give him the story.

Bartender says "I'll tell you what - you see that genie lamp next to him? There's two more wishes, knock yourself out"

So the guy laughs, but decides fuck it, why not? He walks down to the end of the bar, reaches past the miniature guy playing the piano, picks up the genie lamp and rubs it. To his utter fucking amazement a genie pops out and says "You have two remaining wishes."

The guy still doesn't believe it, but says "OK genie, give me a million bucks." Genie says "As you wish", and disappears in a cloud of smoke. As the smoke clears he notices that the bar is now completely filled with ducks. He wades through the ducks back down to the end of the bar and says to the bartender "What the fuck is this shit?!? I asked that motherfucker for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Bartender looks at him and say "You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

 

[Godspeed]

A guy walks into a bar and notices a miniature human at the end of the bar sitting down playing a miniature piano, and what appears to be a genie lamp next to it. He asks the bartender what's the deal and the bartender says "you don't want to know".

After a few minutes the guy can't take it anymore and pleads with the bartender to give him the story.

Bartender says "I'll tell you what - you see that genie lamp next to him? There's two more wishes, knock yourself out"

So the guy laughs, but decides fuck it, why not? He walks down to the end of the bar, reaches past the miniature guy playing the piano, picks up the genie lamp and rubs it. To his utter fucking amazement a genie pops out and says "You have two remaining wishes."

The guy still doesn't believe it, but says "OK genie, give me a million bucks." Genie says "As you wish", and disappears in a cloud of smoke. As the smoke clears he notices that the bar is now completely filled with ducks. He wades through the ducks back down to the end of the bar and says to the bartender "What the fuck is this shit?!? I asked that motherfucker for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Bartender looks at him and say "You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

Lool, good one.

 

[bigb3433]

3 guys are sitting at a bar swapping sex stories about their wives. First guy says
"my wife and I fucked on the pool table last night"

second guy says "oh yeah? well my wife gave me the best fucking blow job I've ever had last night"

third guys says "my wife and I did it doggy style last night....I rolled over and she played dead"