RANT: Unsupportive Relatives

Berto

Berto

Movin to TX
Jan 3, 2009
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We've had these threads, but I thought this story was worth sharing.

My first cousin has two kids. The older one is an 8 year old boy (We'll call him LilCuz) who is SUPER sharp. He absolutely kills it on the Legos and is well above average at his age. He understands everything you can throw at him.

While we're putting together a helicopter yesterday:
LilCuz: Guess what I want to be when I grow up?
Me: A rock star?
LilCuz: An inventor!
Me: AWESOME! What do you want to invent?
LilCuz: A helper robot to help my mom around the house... but it's already made...
Me: Yeah but none of the robots are any good! You can just take someone else's robot and make one that's BETTER! I'd buy one!
...
Me: I invent websites you know!
LilCuz: Wow, how do you do that?
Me: I just learned and decided to do it. Now I don't have a boss and do whatever I want.
LilCuz: Wow - So nobody EVER tells you to DO THIS or DO THAT?
Me: That's right! Sometimes you need to listen to your customers or else they won't buy your inventions if you don't make them happy! But you're right!
​
... fast forward to tonight:

Boy's Mom: LilCuz, tell Berto's brother [a savvy sales/marketing engineer but no entrepreneur] what you want to be when you grow up
LilCuz: An inventor!
MY Mom: But what else would you want to be?
LilCuz: ???
My Mom: What else would you be if you can't be an inventor? What if you had to go work for---

Me, interrupting: WHAT?! STOP. LilCuz DON'T ANSWER THAT!!
Me to my mom, enraged: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Are you TRYING to crush his hopes and dreams? You're basically putting into his brain that he can't do what he wants to do and needs to be some corporate zombie! Why would you even say that?! This is the crap I probably heard all my life and is why it took me 10 years after college to quit my job! I had to unlearn all of this rubbish you people spread!
​
Basically ended the conversation but I'm still a bit huffy about it. I hope she brings it back up tomorrow (I know she will) so that we can discuss further and I will tell her what she should really say and how truly disappointed I was in her.

Either way, the lack of support as my subject states was not for me, but my little 8 year old cousin who could turn out to be some genius that ends up making someone else rich for his entire life because of shit like this.

So from here on out I have a mission for LilCuz. Since he is surrounded by nothing but corporate, spiral-eyed zombies (both of his parents do ridiculously well in corporate America I'll be first to admit), I'm going to at least make sure that he is ALWAYS aware that there is the path of the righteousness.

He will be my 20 year project. He doesn't need to do anything I preach to him, but he will be aware of what lies beyond the crap that is spoonfed to him all his life.

What kind of unsupport did you guys hear this holiday season? Always be on the lookout and throw it back in its face!

Vent it out here if you got nobody in person to vent to and your online friends here will help turn that fear into adrenaline and positive energy for 2012.
 


I know everyone's family is different, but in general, someone trying to tell his parent what to say doesn't go over very well. So trying to straighten them I guess you could call a 'predictable challenge'.

It's a generational issue; when they are glued to a machine they are playing farmville, watching cats on youtube or checking emails. They think whenever they buy a laptop, etc., all that stuff comes with it. Show them some code and they find it unfathomable that a 1-man operation with a few pages of code can compete with a skyscraper. And when they hear the word 'inventor' they think of Rick Moranis, or the dad from Gremlins.

And the kids today, they never knew a world without internet and mobile phones, and are already taking what we have for granted. If it takes them more than 10 minutes to learn something, they'd rather not.

So we're somewhere in the middle, where they used to call us slackers, but we're the generation who built most of the technology they use today, starting out from dorm rooms, basements, or garages.

This guy gives a good talk about it:
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKAzZocdQ1Y]Douglas Rushkoff - Program or Be Programmed - YouTube[/ame]
 
Hey dude.... here is a small violin!

Play it ...!..

lebron-tiny-violin-thumb-400x300.gif
 
I agree with you, but as I read your response I felt it a little overboard about being enraged and "and how truly disappointed I was in her.".. Might be better to be more cool / calmed down about it ;)
 
Dude with respect, if you were my relative and tried to guide/parent my kid in a way I didn't agree with I would tell you to fuck off and parent your own kids. I know you mean well, but if the roles were reversed and you were pushing the kid into a corp job because his hippy parents wanted him to stay at home and make glass beads to sell on ebay I would be saying the same thing.

Some people are happy as a pig in shit working in 'corporate America'. Not everybody has to be a business owner or work for themselves.

That said, if he's as smart as you say all you should need to do is ensure he knows that the option to work for himself is there and he doesn't have to get a job if he doesn't want to.
 
dreamache said:
I agree with you, but as I read your response I felt it a little overboard about being enraged and "and how truly disappointed I was in her.".. Might be better to be more cool / calmed down about it ;)
Click to expand...

I have to agree with this...Chill out a bit

DreamMachine said:
Dude with respect, if you were my relative and tried to guide/parent my kid in a way I didn't agree with I would tell you to fuck off and parent your own kids. I know you mean well, but if the roles were reversed and you were pushing the kid into a corp job because his hippy parents wanted him to stay at home and make glass beads to sell on ebay I would be saying the same thing.

Some people are happy as a pig in shit working in 'corporate America'. Not everybody has to be a business owner or work for themselves.

That said, if he's as smart as you say all you should need to do is ensure he knows that the option to work for himself is there and he doesn't have to get a job if he doesn't want to.
Click to expand...

While this is true he was dealing with his mom (kids grandma) and not the kids mom.

Which does lead to the question of where are the kids parents on this whole thing? If you are serious about this some effort to get them involved and at least partly on board would be huge. You do need to chill a bit though and not come across as the crazy uncle everybody talks about behind his back (most families have one) or you will not be anywhere near as effective as you want.
 
There is no correct answer, it's whatever will make the kid happier.

If, 10 years from now he'd be happier running his own business, that's great. If, 10 years from now he wants the security of a job, and 25 years from now he wants to start his own business once he has some experience in his field, that is also cool. If he'll be perfectly happy every day working for a boss that's also fine.

Working for yourself isn't better or worse than working for someone else. It's all about your personality and what makes you happiest. So neither you or the kids mom should be pushing him one way or the other. Just providing positive encouragement and support regardless of what he does so that he doesn't feel pressured to do something that he doesn't truly want to do.
 
If he's as smart as you think he is, don't worry, he'll figure shit out on his own. He'll be fine. Not to mention, why do you think you're so right, and his parents are so wrong?

That, and there's nothing actually wrong with having a corporate job, eh? One of my brothers is a good example of that. Great office job, travels to various countries for offshore projects, but all in all doesn't give a fuck about work or money. He just does what's needed to provide a good life for his family, and aside from that, all energy is put into his kids and family. That in itself is quite admirable. Not everyone wants to be a multi-millionaire entrepreneur.
 
Berto I concur with you.
I did a 20 year project on each of my four nieces and nephews.

FIRST I ingrained it into their heads that they can tell their uncle ANYTHING with no repercussions. Drugs, partying, cheating on tests .. I mean I don't want them doing that of course, but they can confide in me on any topic.

SECOND I instructed each of them over the years to NEVER kiss anyone's ass. EVER. All you have is your integrity and self-worth and you cannot sacrifice that.

THIRD I encouraged them to follow their DREAMS. Anything, their own personal happiness and fulfillment is their number one goal in life (and also to love).

Well I did not do too bad after 2 decades of this grooming.
I have VERY close relationships with all four of them (very rewarding) and I will tell you how they turned out.

My niece has traveled the world several times and she's 20 yrs old. When the weather warms she aims for Africa this year. She knows almost every star and constellation above her head and currently is a divemaster teaching diving in Hawaii. (She is almost 21).

My nephew is a professional DJ and show promoter in Portland, OR. Living the dream, a girl under each arm, hip hop parties and cash up his wazzu. Happy kid, just turned 24.

My other Neph is in Eugene going to Oregon State.

The last of the four is a radar operations specialist in the U.S.Navy He is 19 years old.

They all attribute their directions to me (uncle Webjedi) but I just say shucks and push it back to them as their own choices (which ultimately they were).

So I agree with you, do it. Corporate success like their parents is a fine thing as well, nudge them along that path if they discover it is what they want.

Part of your DUTY as an older family member is to encourage the youngsters to grow up and find out what makes them happy.

Don't get on your mom's case too hard though.. just work in the background...


WJ
 
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cardine said:
There is no correct answer, it's whatever will make the kid happier.

If, 10 years from now he'd be happier running his own business, that's great. If, 10 years from now he wants the security of a job, and 25 years from now he wants to start his own business once he has some experience in his field, that is also cool. If he'll be perfectly happy every day working for a boss that's also fine.

Working for yourself isn't better or worse than working for someone else. It's all about your personality and what makes you happiest. So neither you or the kids mom should be pushing him one way or the other. Just providing positive encouragement and support regardless of what he does so that he doesn't feel pressured to do something that he doesn't truly want to do.
Click to expand...

Exactly.

webjedi said:
Part of your DUTY as an older family member is to encourage the youngsters to grow up and find out what makes them happy.
Click to expand...

Nailed it.
 
Every child always gets asked: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Why does everyone ask that to 5-6 year olds. Do they expect to get a straight answer, like, an administration assistant, retail supervisor, combustible engine part manufactuer or something like that makes very little sense to anyone below 15 years old.

What did you want to be when you were a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut or a cop. In the end I settled for Oil minion!
 
buxtonlove said:
Every child always gets asked: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Why does everyone ask that to 5-6 year olds. Do they expect to get a straight answer, like, an administration assistant, retail supervisor, combustible engine part manufactuer or something like that makes very little sense to anyone below 15 years old.

What did you want to be when you were a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut or a cop. In the end I settled for Oil minion!
Click to expand...

Most people ask 5-6 year olds because the "weight of reality" hasn't crushed them yet. It's when you can get a true read on "how high they aim". They're not giving you an answer because it pays enough to cover their bills, or do X Y Z to get a promotion so they can be Captain whatever one day.

It's a true, non-restrictive answer. At least that's what I think.
 
I think you all misread this. What made me mad is that it was MY mom that derailed him. I can easily tell her to stop before making him think twice about it.

I was enraged inside but didn't lose my shit like I'm crazy. I just had to cut off her negative speak.

The point is, these things (being told you can't do something) get told in small doses all one's life. It adds up. It's not like they'll sit him down at some big event and say not to chase his dreams. It will just slowly accumulate and you don't even realize it.

I see it happening now. The fog has cleared. So I'm gonna present the other side and cut off MY immediate family when they're being typecasters.
 
I don't know, I still have a review copy for you if you still want dibs.
 
webjedi said:
Berto I concur with you.
I did a 20 year project on each of my four nieces and nephews.

FIRST I ingrained it into their heads that they can tell their uncle ANYTHING with no repercussions. Drugs, partying, cheating on tests .. I mean I don't want them doing that of course, but they can confide in me on any topic.

SECOND I instructed each of them over the years to NEVER kiss anyone's ass. EVER. All you have is your integrity and self-worth and you cannot sacrifice that.

THIRD I encouraged them to follow their DREAMS. Anything, their own personal happiness and fulfillment is their number one goal in life (and also to love).

Well I did not do too bad after 2 decades of this grooming.
I have VERY close relationships with all four of them (very rewarding) and I will tell you how they turned out.

My niece has traveled the world several times and she's 20 yrs old. When the weather warms she aims for Africa this year. She knows almost every star and constellation above her head and currently is a divemaster teaching diving in Hawaii. (She is almost 21).

My nephew is a professional DJ and show promoter in Portland, OR. Living the dream, a girl under each arm, hip hop parties and cash up his wazzu. Happy kid, just turned 24.

My other Neph is in Eugene going to Oregon State.

The last of the four is a radar operations specialist in the U.S.Navy He is 19 years old.

They all attribute their directions to me (uncle Webjedi) but I just say shucks and push it back to them as their own choices (which ultimately they were).

So I agree with you, do it. Corporate success like their parents is a fine thing as well, nudge them along that path if they discover it is what they want.

Part of your DUTY as an older family member is to encourage the youngsters to grow up and find out what makes them happy.

Don't get on your mom's case too hard though.. just work in the background...


WJ
Click to expand...

PS +rep. This is the way to do it. Thanks.
 
The mind is a complex thing. Unwavering support doesn't necessarily encourage children to do well. Sure, it sounds like it should, but sometimes the exact opposite is true. Talk to some successful people. Many of them succeeded, in part, just to prove their parents wrong :)
 
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