Okay, this sucks

BlueYonder said:
I wonder what your opinion would be had you spent several decades doing so.
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I used to work at a children's hospital and I can say that any argument you can come back with relating to 'inconvenient' will be very vocally trumped by the tens of thousands of families out there with special needs children.

I wouldn't waste another keystroke making an argument against raising a special needs child, the track record of the families that have done it successfully totally invalidates any argument made by someone who has never gone through it.
 


dangregory said:
A miscarriage is nature's way of preventing an unhealthy child from being needlessly brought to the birth stage. If a woman is prone to them, it often means that future pregnancies aren't going to go well. I don't know why people keep insisting on "trying for more" especially if they already have one healthy child. Only children rock and often become super achievers in life because they think more like adults since they were raised around adults as their primary "peer" group.

Don't mean to minimize the shit you're going through, and I wish you all the best. But I think people tend to go crazy over this "we need a house in the 'burbs, two cars, two kids" stuff when Mother Nature really does know best sometimes and will send you MULTIPLE messages to drive it through your skull - often in the form of miscarriages.

Hard to convince the little woman of that, though, sometimes, especially if she's hell bent on a kid.

Wish you and your partner the best whatever happens, though.
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Some people dream of being a doctor, some people dream of being the next big entrepreneur, and some people dream of sitting around tossing out dickrolls all day. Likewise, some people choose to live their lives independently without kids, some people choose to have many kids, and some of us dream of the day we can hold our son or daughter in our arms for the first time... in my case, a daughter. Ask any parent who has at least one son and one daughter - raising one is no where near like raising the other. Entire (personal) worlds change when you look into your child's eyes... and that world changes all over again when a second child is the opposite gender as the first.

I understand your argument "A miscarriage is nature's way of preventing an unhealthy child from being needlessly brought to the birth stage." - in some circumstances. But what about those of us who, due to a 1st baby twisting around so much the cord wrapped around his neck, and due to the Navy hospital refusing to allow a natural birth after c-sec, have now had TWO c-sections, leaving plenty of scar tissue that makes it hard for the pregnancy to "set in"? I should give up on my dream of having a daughter because of that? No, thanks.

And what about the thousands of women out there whose body simply doesn't produce enough progesterone to sustain the beginning of the pregnancy? A simple pill taken every day for the first few months often results in a perfectly healthy full term baby. Just as you have your own dreams and goals in life, so does everyone else. Some of us enjoy raising children, and want to experience both a son and a daughter. Some people choose to have more than one child because they enjoy raising siblings. Everyone has their own reasons - just as you have your own reasons for preferring an only child situation.
 
It's fate bud. Just be thankful you already have a daughter and spoil her as much possible :D. Unfortunately you and your wife have to accept her condition... I know of 3 females that would kill to have 1 baby. Good luck on your recent baby bro
 
Actually, I'm childfree by choice and already had the snip. But many of my overachiever millionaire/inventor/famous musician friends are only children and they all say that being "mature' at an earlier age (due to excessive exposure to adults, adult only conversation, etc.) probably helped them achieve things at that level. One girl I know started her own company at freakin' 16 years old and was a millionaire before she was 20. One guy invented a gadget I don't even understand - something to do with artificial intelligence - sold it to a government subcontractor and received a check worth over ten million. And he was 22. Showed me the check.

Only children may be missing out on some things - playmates at home, for instance - but they seem to make up for it by being more creative and often, more inventive in a worldly sense. They also learn to think outside the box at a younger age I find.

These are generalities, just taken from my own observations of mega successful only child friends and acquaintances.
 
bb_wolfe said:
Sometimes adoption after mis-c is the easiest path. The time it takes wondering during gestation can tear a marriage apart if one or both of the parties isn't fully healthy.

Plus, tons of kids out there who would love a good family!
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I'm all for adoption, if it never works out for us to have another of our own. (We're recently put in our app for foster parenting)

bb_wolfe said:
I don't think aborting a baby with genetic deficiencies is a good idea whatsoever. I have 4 friends that ALL were told the child would have issues and not a single baby did.
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Same thing happened to me, as my earlier post detailed.

Raising relatives with special needs isn't an impossible or undesirable thing whatsoever either.
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AGREED!

BlueYonder said:
I wonder what your opinion would be had you spent several decades doing so.
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I was raised with a highly violent bipolar sibling, and a step sibling who will never think or function past a 4 year old's level. I've also nannied full time for a child with trisomy who had to eat out of a feeding tube, and lived in diapers in a wheelchair, baby walker, or laying on a floor. She was 16. Her parents and her other siblings never showed even a single sign of regret or resentment, and her older sister bought her first house based on it meeting the needs of the 16 yr old, for when she would come to live with her.
 
bb_wolfe said:
I used to work at a children's hospital and I can say that any argument you can come back with relating to 'inconvenient' will be very vocally trumped by the tens of thousands of families out there with special needs children.

I wouldn't waste another keystroke making an argument against raising a special needs child, the track record of the families that have done it successfully totally invalidates any argument made by someone who has never gone through it.
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bb, I'm thinking all sort of expletives regarding your comments about your former gig at a children's hospital, which you believes gives you cred about life with the mentally handicapped. You can poo-pooh all you want about other people's burdens, when I know first hand the misery my sick brother gave my parents to their dying day, and how disabled children wreck marriages, destroy families and cause normal children psychological problems.

I'm not going to waste any more time trying to contradict your dogma, because you can only seem to accept one story.
 
GUYS! Give it a rest! SharksFan needs support not a discussion / argument about the merits or issues surrounding special needs children.

Please, kill the egos for now. Start another thread and argue it there. Seriously, just stop.
 
@Sharksfan: All the best to you and your wife!

bb_wolfe said:
I have 4 friends that ALL were told the child would have issues and not a single baby did.
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Why did they decide to not abort and give it a chance? It's unbelievable how the wrong findings could have impacted a family's life! Glad they didn't chose to abort!
 
@Sharksfan - what a terrible decision to have to make. Ultimately, it's one of those deeply personal things that you both have to follow your hearts on.

I have no idea what it's like to be in your position, as thankfully I've never been faced with something like that. But I wish you all the best.
 
SEO_Mike said:
GUYS! Give it a rest! SharksFan needs support not a discussion / argument about the merits or issues surrounding special needs children.

Please, kill the egos for now. Start another thread and argue it there. Seriously, just stop.
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Besides, didn't the OP say they already know what they have decided to do given the potential scenario? It sounds like he needs to vent and needs more support from his virtual buds - not your personal horror stories.

Children are a blessing to those that are ready for that level of commitment and sacrifice. Every child requires sacrifices and commitment, some simply more than others. It's a personal choice for the OP and they have already decided what is right for them as a family.

Just support him in your typical male locker room style. Show him some tits or something to take his mind off things until he has information from the doc he and his wife can actually work with.
 
@Sharksfan - Best of luck, you have our prayers.

My wife and I have 3 children and one more on the way. We're both getting up there in our years and had a discussion about DS and we came to a decision. Our discussion was based on my brother-in-law who has been the ward of the state for many years and his mental challenges that he has. The biggest factor in our decision was our children that we already have. So many people talk about the child with DS and the parents but we forget about the other siblings and the effect it can have on their lives. I can't do that to my children. Of course, we never had to make that decision and if we did we might have changed our minds.

Sharksfan, remember this is about your family, don't worry what other people (relatives) might think, you'll make the right decision for you.
 
We won't have the actual chromosomal test until Thursday - then a few more days for labs, etc. We've got a good solid week or so before we will know anything.

I can certainly see this is an area that evokes strong opinions - and while I certainly didn't desire to spark a debate I also don't want to suppress anyone's opinion.

Thank you all for the well-wishes, etc. There are very few major choices in life that are this difficult. Even life and death ones with my wife and I are pretty well ironed out -we have living wills and we both have a pretty good understanding what the other one would or would not tolerate if something horrible happens. Even if she or I had to pull the plug on the other we KNOW it's what the other wanted.

This....not so much.
 
Think positive: with 1 kid, you'll give it more attention and love compared to say, 4 kids.
 
amanda11 said:
Think positive: with 1 kid, you'll give it more attention and love compared to say, 4 kids.
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We love our kid - no doubt there.

Then again, my wife has 6 siblings and I have 4 - our parents did pretty well. We only wanted two - but the one we have is fantastic. If we have to stop there...so be it.
 
All im gonna say in this thread is my cousin was supposed to be born severely down syndrome and a girl, and the doctors recommened to my Aunt and Uncle that they abort.
They decided not to and needless to say HE ( yes HE ) was a perfectly normal healthy baby.


Of course this was over 20 years ago and technology has increased tremendously since then.

I feel for you man, and I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.... I hope everything works out for you and your family.
 
Sorry to hear about your dilemma Sharksfan. Best of luck to you and the Missus. Hopefully the test results come out in your favor.

InternetAuthor said:
It sounds like he needs to vent and needs more support from his virtual buds - not your personal horror stories.
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You know, I said the exact same thing to someone posting in this thread in regards to another health related thread not that long ago.
 
I'll not get into the debate except to say that whatever Sharksfan and his wife decide, as long as it's from the head and the heart, it's the right choice for them.

Keep us posted.
 
I totally agree with this: "It's one of those things that doesn't seem like a big deal until it happens to you.".

My sister-in-law, who I am very close with, had two back-to-back in under a years' time. The first the child had a chromosomal abnormality and, for whatever reason, her body just couldn't carry it to term. The second, this summer, was particularly catastrophic- her husband helped her deliver an extremely premature fetus at home.

To say it was devastating on her, and the family, would be an understatement. Miscarriages are a very big deal.

She is now into her third pregnancy, and is due in June. All appears to be fine at this point. She has never delivered successfully before, so this is her first. After two miscarriages she is understandably paranoid - but for your reference- her doctor advised that most genetic tests only have an accuracy rate of 80%, especially for Trisomy 21. Perhaps it's best to have two opinions? It is certainly worth it to at least ask your OB on Thursday what the statistical accuracy of the prenatal tests you are having done is.

You and your wife are in my thoughts.
 
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