Okay, this sucks

Sharksfan

Sharksfan

New member
May 28, 2009
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WI
Got married 5 years ago...

Had a daughter 3 years ago...

So far so good, right?

Two years ago - first attempt at child #2. Miscarriage.

One year ago - second attempt at child #2. Miscarriage. On top that I go out of town about a month after the D&C procedure to remove the fetal tissue and get a call that my wife is bleeding heavily and has been taken to the emergency room. All ended well but that is the single worst phone call I've ever received. Getting a call that someone died is bad - getting a call that your wife is bleeding heavily and is in the hospital and then knowing NOTHING while you spend two hours driving 90+ MPH home sucks WAY worse.

Friday - 12 weeks along into attempt #3. Things have appeared good so far. Due to previous issues the doctors are doing more tests, etc. One of them reveals an unusual fluid level in the spinal cord/skull area.

A final test on Thursday will tell if this is a chromosomal abnormality (ie, Down's Syndrome) in the fetus. There's a 50% chance of it being that or something else really bad.

At that point the choice is to terminate the pregnancy or continue.

We had friends go through this same thing and my wife and I decided a long time ago what we would do....but DAMN....this is a lot to think about.

I don't expect sympathy or anything - I'm just needing to vent. Writing has always been cathartic for me. At this point I'm just mostly trying to support my wife because this is understandably VERY difficult for her. I'm not sure it's really set in for me yet.
 


Let me just say that I work professionally with people with disabilities. I have for years and years. This is hard to say without sounding totally gay, but, I have always walked away from any interaction I've ever had with someone that has Downs, feeling like I've been blessed somehow.

People with down syndrome are absolutely amazing. Their take on life and how the perceive the world can be paradigm shifting. Having a child with Downs does not have to be a horrible experience. I would suggest doing some research and talking to parents who have children with Downs.

Look at Ponceman (aka The Retarded Policeman)

http://www.youtube.com/user/ponceman
 
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Sharks, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, and that doctors CAN be wrong. When I was pg with my (now 2 year old) son, I went to the ER for complications around 12 weeks. I'd already had one prior m/c. The ER doc told me that he had an omphalocele, aka hernia near the stomache, and would most likely have Trisomy 13. If you're not familiar, Trisomy 13 is similar to down's... except in most cases the child doesn't live past a year or two. My hubby was 5 weeks in to a 6 month undersea deployment (submarine, aka minimal contact, weeks at a time with no word to or from). He found out about the omphalocele 3 hours before they left port, then vanished for weeks.

Back on dry land, several weeks went by... not one but three ultrasounds later, I was told by the doc that "the radiologist in the ER made a mistake. The lump he noticed on your baby's tummy was nothing more than his umbilical cord, which was still in the process of receding into his abdomen." My son was born completely healthy.

That said, I feel your pain on the other side of your story, too... we want a daughter, but have had 3 m/c's in the past year.

Thoughts are with you. And yes, it sucks.
 
SilentPen said:
That said, I feel your pain on the other side of your story, too... we want a daughter, but have had 3 m/c's in the past year.
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HOLY. CRAP.

That's a lot to deal with. Thoughts back at you as well.

I think my older brother summarized miscarriages rather well when he and his wife went through it - "It's one of those things that doesn't seem like a big deal until it happens to you.".

Long term I am very happy we have a healthy daughter. No complaints there, and if we can't have more - that's life. But another one would be nice.
 
I know of at least 6 couples (friends or family) that have had miscarriages. I can't even imagine how that feels, as we have been extremely lucky with our two daughters. But those amniotic fluid tests have a really low accuracy rate. I think even if the test shows positive that you have abnormal chromosomal activity, there's still a HUGE percentage that you could be fine. So try not to stress over the test if the results do come back as positive (know that's easier said than done). I also know couples that had this procedure done (because they have a family history of this), results came back positive, yet they went through with the birth and everything was fine.

Best of luck to you. Hearing about situations like this really changes your perspective on life. I think most of us here are wanting to make alot of money, and alot of stress comes along with it, but stressing over AM or money does not even compare to health issues or family. I always have to remind myself to take a step back and realise how lucky I am to have a healthy and happy family.
 
Spliffic is right, there are a lot of false positives and false negatives in screenings for genetic abnormalities. Hopefully all will turn out ok.

Best of luck to you and your wife!
 
medicalhumor said:
ER docs are not trained for in depth analysis of different systems. They are there to patch up the patient so that they can then be sent off to the correct specialist. Your wife's OB/GYN will know more and have a much better idea of what is going on, just as SilentPen mentioned. I hope that it is the case that the ER doc just misinterpreted what they saw.
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I think you mis-read. The ER thing was after mis-carriage #2. Completely separate incident...

This is a different pregnancy. The tests that were done were done by a specialist - he's really good (Harvard Med School, etc) and highly recommended.

That doesn't change the fact that the tests are still inconclusive at this point but the initial findings are well outside of the "normal" range.
 
I've never made a serious post in the STS section here, but my thoughts and prayers are definitely with you. I've got a HUGE soft spot for kids/families in general and have seen several of my friends go through things like this.

Be strong bro.
 
Sometimes adoption after mis-c is the easiest path. The time it takes wondering during gestation can tear a marriage apart if one or both of the parties isn't fully healthy.

Plus, tons of kids out there who would love a good family!
 
Sharksfan said:
A final test on Thursday will tell if this is a chromosomal abnormality (ie, Down's Syndrome) in the fetus. There's a 50% chance of it being that or something else really bad.

At that point the choice is to terminate the pregnancy or continue.

We had friends go through this same thing and my wife and I decided a long time ago what we would do....but DAMN....this is a lot to think about.
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So what did you guys decide?

Personally I could never willfully chose to have a disabled child. But then again I hate even taking care of a goldfish so I'm probably not the best person to talk to about it.

Best of luck to you with whatever you chose, and remember you'll always have the support of your bro's on WF.
 
Do what you think is right. You will cope with whatever you do and its just a new experience. Im only 20, maybe Im about the wrongest person to give advice on this but, make the choice that you know you will not haunt you later and good luck man.

A kid is a kid - is a kid, you will love him under any circumstances. (unless you are a bitch dad, which by the post I can freely say you are not)
 
If the test shows a positive for genetic abnormalities, you are making a very large commitment for yourself, your wife and your other children that may last until the next century.

Raising a handicapped child is a burden on everybody, and one or both parents may have to quit work and stay home as a nurse maid. Your child may be ininsurable the way the system works now, especially if the insurance companies know you decided to have a child with mental disabilities and/or health problems willingly.

Once you have "raised" this child (which may never achieve normal maturity), it will most likely remain a dependent on you and your normal children. You have to make accommodations to provide for it and care for it throughout your golden years. Once you are gone, your normal children will have to deal with the child's matters until they are gone. Many mentally disabled people have emotional problems, making it impossible to keep them at home, so they have to be put away. This was the case with my younger brother, who became violent and destructive upon puberty and is now living in a group home and is a ward of the state. Only a long list of medicines keep him barely manageable.

And then there's my next door neighbor, who at 89 years old, is still caring for his Down's Syndrome son who is manageable. I have no idea what they're doing about him once my neighbor dies. I'm guessing the son will have to live with one of his siblings. Like, forever.

If the test is positive, I say you should save yourself and your family and abort immediately. You get only one chance to do this, and a bad decision lasts forever.

Good luck bro
 
BlueYonder said:
If the test shows a positive for genetic abnormalities, you are making a very large commitment for yourself, your wife and your other children that may last until the next century.

Raising a handicapped child is a burden on everybody, and one or both parents may have to quit work and stay home as a nurse maid. Your child may be ininsurable the way the system works now, especially if the insurance companies know you decided to have a child with mental disabilities and/or health problems willingly.

Once you have "raised" this child (which may never achieve normal maturity), it will most likely remain a dependent on you and your normal children. You have to make accommodations to provide for it and care for it throughout your golden years. Once you are gone, your normal children will have to deal with the child's matters until they are gone. Many mentally disabled people have emotional problems, making it impossible to keep them at home, so they have to be put away. This was the case with my younger brother, who became violent and destructive upon puberty and is now living in a group home and is a ward of the state. Only a long list of medicines keep him barely manageable.

And then there's my next door neighbor, who at 89 years old, is still caring for his Down's Syndrome son who is manageable. I have no idea what they're doing about him once my neighbor dies. I'm guessing the son will have to live with one of his siblings. Like, forever.

If the test is positive, I say you should save yourself and your family and abort immediately. You get only one chance to do this, and a bad decision lasts forever.

Good luck bro
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This.

An ex girlfriend had a younger sister who had downs and I remember going over to Thanksgiving at their place two years ago and she shoved a fork, literally, into her hand.

The girls started to cry, the Dad took the fork and talked to the girl, and I was like "the fuck did I just get myself into?". Needless to say the rest of the night was pretty awkward.

My ex was always upset about her and her parents were on the verge of divorcing because of the trouble she caused. Although she was extremely smart in math she struggled, of course, with the rest of school and with all social aspects.

In all seriousness I'm sure it must be a terrifying situation to be in. But like BlueYonder said you have to seriously think about the long term implications of such a decision as to keep him/her. Try to think logically not emotionally.

Wish you all the luck in the world.
 
A miscarriage is nature's way of preventing an unhealthy child from being needlessly brought to the birth stage. If a woman is prone to them, it often means that future pregnancies aren't going to go well. I don't know why people keep insisting on "trying for more" especially if they already have one healthy child. Only children rock and often become super achievers in life because they think more like adults since they were raised around adults as their primary "peer" group.

Don't mean to minimize the shit you're going through, and I wish you all the best. But I think people tend to go crazy over this "we need a house in the 'burbs, two cars, two kids" stuff when Mother Nature really does know best sometimes and will send you MULTIPLE messages to drive it through your skull - often in the form of miscarriages.

Hard to convince the little woman of that, though, sometimes, especially if she's hell bent on a kid.

Wish you and your partner the best whatever happens, though.
 
Good luck to you man! I realize there isn't shit-all that we can do to help, but if you just want to vent, feel free to hit me up.
 
I don't think aborting a baby with genetic deficiencies is a good idea whatsoever. I have 4 friends that ALL were told the child would have issues and not a single baby did.

Raising relatives with special needs isn't an impossible or undesirable thing whatsoever either.
 
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