$500 Bitcoin

The most ironic part however is that I see $500 as nearly nothing for a bitcoin. That's literally less than 3 orders of magnitude where it could be in a couple of years.

Thats not how "ironic" works and by your own projections for the future of the dollar, bitcoin wouldnt have to be one bit more "valuable" to go up a couple "orders of magnitude" in value expressed in terms of dollars.
 


All you really need to do is write put options and buy the coin. You'll be first to market. Demand is gigantic.
 
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When you write an option you take the opposite side of what the option grants the person that buys it. Bitcoin doesn't go down. It goes up by design. But you don't gamble on that, you just lock in risk free profit.

The problem with these strategies is that you end up with a long position in the coin because nobody will ever execute the options. But in that case, it will be worth more than it was when you bought it. At least in dollars. This will be a problem when the market dries up but that won't happen for a while.
 
The bigger problem would be that you can't just write options. All that regulation. Licenses don't come cheap