social intelligence

drave

drave

fear not
Apr 12, 2012
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can it be learned or is it genetic?

i was raised by 2 people on opposite ends of the spectrum.

my mother is completely tone-deaf when it comes to relating to other people, she just has no fucking idea how to do it and she's totally unaware of that fact. she's never had a single friend that i can recall.

my dad is hyper-aware, a yes-man. his ultimate objective is to be the nice guy. he won't answer telemarketing calls because he can't bring himself to tell them no.

nobody doubts social intelligence is a valuable commodity -- is it learned or genetic?
 


Both, I'd say. You need the mental and sensory capacity to take in what's going on around you, but also need experience in how to deal with it.
 
IMHO, it's both. Some people are predisposed to being more agreeable, sociopathic, narcissistic etc than others, but it's also pretty easy to fake-it when the situation arises . It's much easier to cheat on a personality test to get your desired personality trait than to cheat on an IQ test.
 
We enter the world like a new computer without software downloaded onto it.

Within those early formative years we begin to have our system infiltrated by parents, extended family, etc.

I'd say it's more learned than genetic.
 
I'd say under a certain IQ you can't develop a high degree of social intelligence and people with certain personality disorders are predisposed to lack in it. So in these extreme situations I'd say yes, it is genetic. However for an average person it's a highly learned behavior.

Social intelligence is basically having empathy, understanding social norms and being able to act on the cues you're getting in real time. So potential issues here might be if you're someone that never really developed a sense of empathy which instantly makes it harder to be able to understand the other person's situation and respond accordingly.
Also, not understanding social norms means you'll have a person who is empathetic and might also be able to respond to subtle cues but doesn't respond in a tactful, appropriate manner.

So if someone wanted to increase their social intelligence it'd start with being more observant of other people's behavior and trying to extrapolate their intentions/desires/needs based on that - and thus developing a certain empathy. I have acquaintances that simply ignore this part and are therefore basically socially retarded in many situations simply because they lack the awareness of what's going on around them. But if you point it out to them they become aware and usually correct their behavior. Awareness is therefore a big part of social intelligence.

Understanding social norms means having appropriate behavior for the situation you're in, shouldn't be too complex for an adult to know what's normal and what's abnormal eg: throwing a temper tantrum because something doesn't go your way in a business meeting is a socially retarded move obviously and would be a result of someone not understanding his behavior is inappropriate. So I'm sure most reasonably intelligent people have this part handled. This part is the most interesting to me though because if you deeply understand social norms you can start bending the rules of the "game" and even act in a way that's usually regarded inappropriate - and get away with it.

And the last part, being able to respond in real time on cues is a more tricky one. This is how even empathetic, intelligent people screw up often because they feel anxious or just generally lack confidence and can't act on the subtle social feedback they're getting. But once you've developed a good degree of empathy and you understand social norms you can tactfully act on the cues and this will enable you to minimize the potential negative responses simply because you're acting in a socially acceptable way and are thus being socially intelligent.
 
JoseArmando said:
Social intelligence is basically having empathy, understanding social norms and being able to act on the cues you're getting in real time.
Click to expand...

You hit the nail on the head. My wife is an empathy ninja and is probably one of the most socially adept people I know.

She can literary tune in to people's moods in ways that I can't even see. Sometimes I ask her about certain responses that she gives people and she can pinpoint exactly why she said or acted the way she did.

She will say things like "When she came in she was looking at her shoes so I knew she had something she needed to tell me".

The only negative thing about being too empathetic is that the moods of other people can affect you and you pay too much attention to what others think of you.

Obviously there is a balance.
 
This is absolutely a learned skill. It takes years and years of practice and training. If you want to fast track it, you should get a sales job (or buisness) and actually interact with people. Having a sales job gives you the opportunity to learn how to categorize people and reactions. You learn things to say, or not say. Body language, empathy, sympathy, ect. Put someone into a sales position, and have their life depend on it (financially) and you have a recipe for learning social intelligence quickly.

Anyone can learn this. The problem is most people just don't have enough experience. People love to isolate themselves. You have to force yourself to step outside of your sphere of influence. The people in your everyday life wont help you learn this skill set. Make it a point to strike up a conversation everywhere you go. Talk to men, women, children. Talk to people of different ethnicity, and cultures. If I could give one tip, it would be to understand that people only care about themselves. With this in mind conversations are easy. Ask open ended questions about that person, and then shut your mouth. Lag in the conversation? Ask another open ended question. Rinse and repeat. If you are talking, you're probably doing it wrong. Shut up, watch, and listen. If you pay attention the other persons body language will tell you everything you need to know.

Oh one more thought. Practice engaging people physically. You can give off the illusion of being a personable person by touching the other person. Don't be scared. Reach out, shake a hand, touch a shoulder, pat on the back, brush against them. That physical contact will go along way to your learning "social intelligence." Don't underestimate the power of touch. Do it today. Don't be scared. There is no problem touching strangers during conversation. Keep it brisk, and "natural".
 
Your dad's a pushover. Pushover != social intelligence.

Sorry bro, hate to break it to you.

From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_intelligence "Social intelligence is the capacity to effectively negotiate complex social relationships and environments."

Ending a phone call is with a telemarketer is a simple thing.

For me, its a learnable skill just like sales or anything else. Read Hackers and Painters. The author's essay says that people who are popular growing up (read: socially intelligent) just spent more time maintaining social relationships compared to the nerds who learned IT.

The real question is: what do you want social intelligence for? Improve the quality of your relationship with loved ones? Make more money?
 
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