So someone is dying

Rage9

Rage9

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Jan 7, 2008
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So my Grandma got her knee fixed a month or three ago. Now she's back in the hospital on her death bed (probably because of the surgery). She really didn't ever want to have the surgery in the first place. I got a text from my dad (who's mother it is not, it's my moms mom) that she took a turn for the worst.

I'm not a real sensitive mother fucker, so I never really know how to deal with this. Here's why:

I can't control it. I can't stop her from dying, it's up to the doctors now.

Some people say I should go there to spend one last time with her. The problem being is I hate last goodbyes and I still have to go to a funeral yet. I don't want to wait around a hospital and wait to hear someone died.

How do you guys handle this? I can't be the only one that doesn't worry about others dying because I think it's just part of natural life, and when you get old enough you're going to go.
 


Would definitely visit, you don't have to live there. But don't let anyone make you feel bad about whatever you choose to do. Death is a friend.
 
liesnillusions said:
Would definitely visit, you don't have to live there. But don't let anyone make you feel bad about whatever you choose to do. Death is a friend.
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The question is why to visit? It will only make you feel worse than anything. Can you really go visit a dying person who's almost for certainly going to die and walk away from it unphased? The simple fact of it is that we all go at one point or another, and why to put that strain on yourself.
 
For their sake of course, to make their last moments happy. It's not selfish of them to want to be around family before they are gone forever is it?
 
Rage9 said:
The question is why to visit? It will only make you feel worse than anything. Can you really go visit a dying person who's almost for certainly going to die and walk away from it unphased? The simple fact of it is that we all go at one point or another, and why to put that strain on yourself.
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Its not about how you feel rather how 'they' feel if you give them a visit. Almost like doing any other 'good' deed.
 
liesnillusions said:
For their sake of course, to make their last moments happy. It's not selfish of them to want to be around family before they are gone forever is it?
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Whether they want it or not is irrelevant, this isn't some sort of travesty where someone's life get's abruptly cut way short for some reason or another. They will soon be gone and have no say about it, it's those that live on that must deal with it IMHO.
 
Yep, I'm with you as far as the "natural process" goes.

We die when we get old. It's sad, but natural. But that doesn't mean those who are dying should be ignored. People who are terminally ill say that's one of the worst things.

Spending time with someone who's dying is very hard, and can be upsetting, but it can also be rewarding in a weird way. Dealing with more distant relatives dying is a preparation for dealing with parents dying, and ultimately dealing with the fact of our own deaths.

It sounds from your posts like you're hiding from it because you're frightened of the emotions it will stir up (no matter how offhand you try to be about it). Trust me, that's no bad thing.

Yes, it will put a strain on you, but you know what? Dealing with strain is how you grow stronger and more mature as a person.

My Grandma died of a horrible disease (Lou Gehrigs disease). Spending time with her was hard, and I still feel intensely sad when I think of it 15 years later. But I don't regret it at all.

My advice, forget your feelings about it, and go and see her, even if it's just for a few minutes. You don't need to say goodbye or anything. Just go and hold her hand for a while.
 
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Rage9 said:
Whether they want it or not is irrelevant, this isn't some sort of travesty where someone's life get's abruptly cut way short for some reason or another. They will soon be gone and have no say about it, it's those that live on that must deal with it IMHO.
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Sure it's all about you if you don't give a shit how she feels. If you can live with yourself knowing that she wanted to spend her last moments with you before she passed, but you were so selfish you wouldn't do it then by all means don't visit.
 
amateursurgeon said:
Yep, I'm with you as far as the "natural process" goes.

We die when we get old. It's sad, but natural. But that doesn't mean those who are dying should be ignored. People who are terminally ill say that's one of the worst things.

Spending time with someone who's dying is very hard, and can be upsetting, but it can also be rewarding in a weird way. Dealing with more distant relatives dying is a preparation for dealing with parents dying, and ultimately dealing with the fact of our own deaths.

It sounds from your posts like you're hiding from it because you're frightened of the emotions it will stir up (no matter how offhand you try to be about it). Trust me, that's no bad thing.

Yes, it will put a strain on you, but you know what? Dealing with strain is how you grow stronger and more mature as a person.

My Grandma died of a horrible disease (Lou Gehrigs disease). Spending time with her was hard, and I still feel intensely sad when I think of it 15 years later. But I don't regret it at all.

My advice, forget your feelings about it, and go and see her, even if it's just for a few minutes. You don't need to say goodbye or anything. Just go and hold her hand for a while.
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Agreed
 
I'm so sorry to hear this.. You should go see her. I've been in a very similar situation so I know how this is.. Just see her, enjoy your time with her. In the end, you will make her feel better and you as well.
 
Something I wanted to add...

An aunt of mine has been a nurse for a long time (35+ years). Over the past few years, she's started working with terminally ill patients.

You might thing that's a depressing job, but she says it's the most rewarding and satisfying one she's had. You'd be surprised how you can take positive things from apparently unpleasant experiences.
 
crackp0t said:
Sure it's all about you if you don't give a shit how she feels. If you can live with yourself knowing that she wanted to spend her last moments with you before she passed, but you were so selfish you wouldn't do it then by all means don't visit.
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this...
 
Rage9 you've got serious issues bro.

You can either go see her for a few mins because that'd make her happy (if you care at all about her AND can afford to do it) or simply ignore everything and get on with your life (if you really don't give a fuck about her). It's that simple.

If it looks more complicated than this^ to you - either try getting some counselling or grow up and stop being a whiny bitch. Death happens. Sometimes it happens to people we care about.
 
Rage9 said:
The question is why to visit? It will only make you feel worse than anything. Can you really go visit a dying person who's almost for certainly going to die and walk away from it unphased? The simple fact of it is that we all go at one point or another, and why to put that strain on yourself.
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dude you ain't going to enjoy there it is for sure. you are going to support in her last moments of life.
Just think some day you will be at same position and if everybody gonna think like you. You will be left alone at your last moments of the life. how hard this feeling could be? Just imagine it if you can..
 
Rage9 said:
Whether they want it or not is irrelevant, this isn't some sort of travesty where someone's life get's abruptly cut way short for some reason or another. They will soon be gone and have no say about it, it's those that live on that must deal with it IMHO.
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You just need to put yourself in her shoes. If roles were reversed, would you want you to be there?

You may not even feel bad about not visiting, but then 10 or 20 years down the line, something changes your perception and you suddenly regret the choices you've made. It's always better to avoid those chances.

This all depends of course, on if she actually wants her family hovering around her bed while she's sick. I never understood why some people want that. Personally, it would really irritate me.
 
Up until I was about 18 I never understood why people turned their headlights on in the rain. People told me I should use my lights in the rain, but I didn't listen. I thought: "I can see just fine, I don't need to turn my headlights on". I never used my headlights during the rain, or at dawn or dusk, I only turned them on at night when it became hard to see the road.

Then one day I had an epiphany. I realized that whether or not I needed my headlights to see, turning them on would help other people to see me. I had been looking at the situation from my perspective, thinking about the benefits I would get from turning on my headlights, and I couldn't find any. Once I examined the situation from someone else's point of view, I understood.

I've never been in your grandmother's situation before, and I understand that you may not get anything out of seeing her one last time, but maybe she needs to see you. I think this might be a situation that you have to look at from someone else's perspective.

If you were sick, and you knew you weren't going to make it, who would you want to see one last time, and how would you feel if they stayed away?
 
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IceToEskimos said:
Up until I was about 18 I never understood why people turned their headlights on in the rain. People told me I should use my lights in the rain, but I didn't listen. I thought: "I can see just fine, I don't need to turn my headlights on". I never used my headlights during the rain, or at dawn or dusk, I only turned them on at night when it became hard to see the road.

Then one day I had an epiphany. I realized that whether or not I needed my headlights to see, turning them on would help other people to see me. I had been looking at the situation from my perspective, thinking about the benefits I would get from turning on my headlights, and I couldn't find any. Once I examined the situation from someone else's point of view, I understood.

I've never been in your grandmother's situation before, and I understand that you may not get anything out of seeing her one last time, but maybe she needs to see you. I think this might be a situation that you have to look at from someone else's perspective.

If you were sick, and you knew you weren't going to make it, who would you want to see one last time, and how would you feel if they stayed away?
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^^^^^ This ...

Just go see her if she wishes to see you. Even if it makes your day go bad, you still have more days and she has just a few.

But if she doesn't want to see you, then its a different story.
 
Rage9 said:
I'm not a real sensitive mother fucker
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Sensitive towards grandma? No.

But when rationalizing selfish behavior you're like a squirrel who's just had his first Red Bull.

Just go. And shock the rest of your family - bring flowers. You will be glad you did in the long run.
 
Honestly, you're being really selfish. And when you get a bit older, you will regret it like a motherfucker.

Man up, suck it up, and go see your dying Grandmother.
 
Is it the idea that you wont feel anything when you get there that causes the hesitation? You have to be feeling something or you wouldna posted this thread so you should give that some consideration. You may get there and find that your indifferent on the situation or maybe not. If you care anything about your mom you will go. She will really be upset with you if you dont.

Pro Tip: If you do go, maybe go right before the end of visiting hours maybe 15 minutes that way you have an out.
 
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