Bad IRL Experience...

stick2Herbs

stick2Herbs

Live.Laugh.Love <3
Feb 13, 2010
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Hi guys, I just had a really bad experience IRL

Oh fucks, ok here it goes. Last night I had some burritos, some spicy
Chinese and some raspberries, and today I woke up with the worst killing
stomach ache ever, it felt like my spine snapped in two and was sticking
inside the stomach. So on the way to the toilet I saw a note on the table
saying that my parents will be back in 3 hours. I went into the toilet to
have the worst diarrhea I could have possibly ever had, with some gastric
juice as well. My ass was exploding with shit and when I thought I was
finally done 2 hours has gone by. I went to the roll holder only to find
that NO PAPER WAS THERE! I was scared like shit when another gun shot was
fired from my ass. I decided to make a run for the kitchen where the
tissue box was, but before I did I took a look in the toilet. It looked
like a big bear was slaughtered and the smell was so bad I covered my nose
for the fear of lung cancer and having my alveoli corrupted. I run into
the kitchen with shit dripping from my ass to find that THE TISSUE BOX IS
EMPTY!!!! What the fuck should I do my parents are going to be here any
minute, my ass looks like it's been shelled with nuclear bombs and painted
brown, there's pieces of shit on the floor and the toilet needs to be
detonated. Fuck Fuck FUCK!!

Holy shit, what happened to me was crazy, I ran into my parents room to
hide my naked and shit covered self in the only closet in the house
(there's only one closet in the house), and I did it just in time too as
the front door opened like 10 seconds later. the first thing I heard was
my parents walking through putting the groceries on the table and then my
mum let out a cry, that's when I think she saw the drops of blood and shit
on the floor. they started calling for me and a few minutes later I heard
my mum walk into the room and I was like FUCK, because there was stench
coming out of my ass, and the inside of the closet was covered in shit and
stank like a dead skunk run over by a garbage truck. I saw out of the
keyhole that she looked inside and under their bed, and then she headed
out, but just as she did I LET OUT ONE OF THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASS
EXPLOSIONS EVER. IT FELT LIKE AN ELEPHANT HAD FUCKED ME IN THE ASS FROM
THE INSIDE, AND HAD TORN ME 3 NEW ASSHOLES. My mum was like "are you in
here??? Hello??" and then she went away. 2 minutes later I heard my dad
calling the cops, reporting a missing child and blood on the floor, and as
I heard that I was like fuck I have to do something before the cops come
and start searching the house and find me naked and covered in shit in my
parents closet. I decided to take whatever I could find in the darkness
and start wiping myself, and then I put on some pants I found in the dark
and some sweater kind of thing and opened the closet door. I wanted to
stop my parents calling the cops so I quickly made my way to them, and
when they saw me, my mum stopped crying and my dad was like WHAT THE
FLYING FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUISINESS SUIT AND YOUR MOTHERS PINK
SWEATER!?!?? LOOK YOU EVEN GOT CHOCOLATE ALL OVER IT!!! They asked me
where I have been and I said I went to the corner store to get some milk,
and that all my clothes were dirty so I had to use theirs. They questioned
the blood and shit on the floor and all over the toilet, I said as I was
leaving the dog showed signs of sickness and probably couldn't make it
outside to take a shit so it had exploded with shit. Holy shit, this was
the most intense thing I have EVER BEEN THROUGH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I took
a shower short after and threw the shit covered clothes I was wearing into
the washing machine. The water in the shower was fucking brown and I
changed the color of the floor of the shower. The lesson is, never, ever,
eat raspberries kids.
 


c0ba3b1b-12fb-410f-985a-6b08e9369ba6.jpg
 
Act 1, Scene 1


SCENE I. A desert place.

Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches

First Witch

When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch

When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.

Third Witch

That will be ere the set of sun.

First Witch

Where the place?

Second Witch

Upon the heath.

Third Witch

There to meet with Macbeth.

First Witch

I come, Graymalkin!

Second Witch

Paddock calls.

Third Witch

Anon.

ALL

Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Hover through the fog and filthy air.

Exeunt
 
joevis said:
Act 1, Scene 1


SCENE I. A desert place.

Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches

First Witch

When shall we three meet again
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch

When the hurlyburly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.

Third Witch

That will be ere the set of sun.

First Witch

Where the place?

Second Witch

Upon the heath.

Third Witch

There to meet with Macbeth.

First Witch

I come, Graymalkin!

Second Witch

Paddock calls.

Third Witch

Anon.

ALL

Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Hover through the fog and filthy air.

Exeunt
Click to expand...

1269881537-clapping-gif.gif
 
First of all, that fucking story is hilarious. BUT. . . WTF bro? Why the hell would you hide upstairs?

I mean, knowing my parents were coming home soon, I'd stay in the bathroom to ask them for some fucking toilet paper? What the fuck were you thinking?
 
Oddly enough I googled the OPs text and it's on a dozen other message boards from 2009 and earlier.

OP indeed has plagiaristic diarrhea of the fingers.
 
True Story: Battle Asses.
Date: 2007-05-02, 1:25PM CDT

Sorry, I don't have anything to post about layoffs or politics, but I DO have another story from the Public Bathroom. Enjoy.

You are my arch nemisis. I see you wandering around as I go about my IT Computer Nerd business: Tall. Middle Eastern. Pot Belly. We catch each others eye every now and then and give each other a slight nod. I know you, I know what you do and I am on to your games.

I saw you this morning, we made eye contact. You nodded and took another bite of whatever Death-Ass producing garbage you fuel up on that makes the bathroom, smell like the inside of a dead monkey's colon, and nodded at me. I got you this time, fucker.

I give you my icey grin and nod back, then hurry back to my office. It's almost noon, and that's the time you like to run to the toilet and preform your daily ASS JIHAD on all the people just trying to wash their hands. Maybe in your country there is no commen sense that would tell you that lunch time = hand wash time. People want to get clean and eat, not be fumigated with the high octane liquid shit attack you subjigate them too.

But I got you this time. Yeah fucker I GOT SOMETHING COOKING UP FOR YOU! Two egg sandwiches with cheese. Greasy sausage patties. A couple glasses of Tang. Some leftover Chinese food. A Twix. Root Beer Soda. Some steamed brocoli I had in the fridge. A Hot Pocket with peperonni and cheese. A Chocolate Poptart. And like a cherry on top ... a McDonald's Quaterpounder with cheese.

I never eat this shit, it's all greasy and fucking nasty, but today is the day I fight back. I go out for a quick mile jog and almsot die. My stomach feels like there are two midgets fighting to the death inside there. I walk back to work, ass clenched tighter than a virgin's thighs at Church.

Great. The hot chick from next door wants to chat. She assumes the sweat on my face and arms is from running. She doesn't realize that it's a cold sweat induced by my severe sphicter trauma. She finally shuts up and I stagger to the Death Ass Arena.

You are there already in your favorite stall: The one right next to the fucking sinks. You stupid, socially retarded fuck. Fine. You have yet to begin your daily purge of Middle Eastern Ass Stew. I enter the stall next to you and drop my pants in preperation of the upcomming battle.

Your opening slavo is fired: A sloppy wet fart with a solid-shot closer. I laugh and show you the power of Advanced American Foodstuffs.

The tuba fart I unleash echos off the walls and shrinks my waistline about an inch. The guy at the urinal laughs as I slap the wall between you and I and say "Back to YOU, Kajid!". You are silent, I assume you know who I am and that the time has come for us to battle. I know you are summoning your intestinal fortitude for full out war.

You do not dissapoint me.

With a hissing "SSSShhhhhzzzzzzzzz!" you squirt out a deadly spray of ass juice that pollutes the air and makes my head swim. The pisser at the urinal is no longer laughing, he quickly zips up and runs for the door. He did not stop to wash his hands, instead opting to head for the hills. I cover my mouth and nose with my shirt and the black spots dissapear from my vision. My head clears. I am ready.

"AAaaaaaaaRRRRRGGGHHH!" I yell, as I drop Big Tim. That's short for "Big Timber" ... AKA "Mississippi Butt Log".

Quick-fire farts stutter out of my ass, as I push the monster log from the Shit Dimension into our reality. The beefy, yeasty stench easily overpowers the Indian Ass Gutter oder of your previous attack. Mega Turd hits the water in the bowl with a mighty splash, the reek is that of a dead whale slowly ripening in the hot, tropical sun. I catch my breath and wipe my brow, and start to pat myself on the back. I should have known the battle was not over.

The only thing I can think of is that you must has completly unzipped your ass to your elbow. That's the only way I could begin to explain the lumpy, creamy splashs falling out of your ass into the toilet. It sounds like you are pouring a gallon of strawberry shake with whole strawberries in it into the shitter. I see the hairs on my arms start to curl from the horrid stench wafting up from under your stall. I shudder and sway on my throne, unsure if I will survive.

I have no choice. I must employ the Deal Breaker. I hunker down and clench my hands together. My fingers twitch and entwine like a nest of snakes, almost like I am running through a series of ancient Ninja Hand Symbols. My feet lift up onto the toes and my legs start to shake.

"You want to play??" I growls. A low moaning comes from my stomach, like a dinosaur calling into a swampy, foggy night. "YOU GOT IT! AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Like Cloud summoning The Knights of the Round in Final Fantasy 7, I summon the Excalibur of Turd Demons to destroy my enemy. Hot magma-like shit rockets out of my ass, releasing a noxious, sticky cloud of deadly recal perfume. I hear you gag and see your feet shuffle around, but you can't get away, can you? No. You can't.

Veins throb on my neck and temples as the turd monster tears itself from my bowels. My lips skin back from my now clenched teeth and I try not to scream. Your roll of toilet paper rolls into my stall. You must have torn it from the wall with numb fingers in an attempt to "Wipe and Scoot". Too late. MUCH too late!

Oders pound you with merciless fists: Rotten Fruitcake stuffed with boiled chicken assholes. Hammered shit-logs served on a bed of week old white rice. Rosie O'Donnel's racid crotch farts. The smell of your mom's dank, hairy Middle Eastern armpits.

Your stall door bangs open and you stagger out. You take three unsteady steps to the door and can barely open it wide enough to slip out. I laugh at you before you leave. "Yeah! RUN, Fucker!" I yell, and laugh again. You say nothing.

It's all over except for the clean up. Fuck with me again, you shit filled Anal Terrorist. Me and my ass will be waiting.
Click to expand...

best of craigslist: True Story: Battle Asses.
 
^^^ LMAO! Oh shit I busted out laughing as I listen to the Butthole Surfers (no joke)
 
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